****************************************** Want to advertise here? You might be able to if you drop us an email: hello@popbitch.com ****************************************** "If I was a dude I'd probably have a really big dick" - Miley Cyrus ------------------------------------------ POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 15.05.14 ISSUE 690 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Eamonn's turnstile hell * The Jay-Z swiss jazz swizz * Rita Ora is new number one ------------------------------------------ >> Childish humour << Nom dem of the century The BBC have long had form when it comes to nominative determinism (sending a reporter called Jonah Fisher to cover Japanese whaling fleets; employing Sara Blizzard and Neil Sleat as weather people etc...) but we never thought they'd manage to topple the Times. In 2010, the Times' coverage on child abuse in the Catholic church was filed by a journalist named Roger Boyes. It's just been bested. The BBC's online reports of the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls have come from... Nick Childs. ------------------------------------------ The re-enactment of the Satanic Black Mass ritual scheduled at Harvard next week has been cancelled. A relief, no doubt, for Harvard President... Drew Faust. ------------------------------------------ >> Too plump to push? << Holmes makes a big entrance When he walks into the This Morning studios, instead of going through the (possibly too snug) turnstile like everyone else, Eamonn Holmes gets the security guard to open the vehicle gates for him. ------------------------------------------ Happy Birthday, Richard Blackwood! ------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << Who's asking what this week Which football executive is telling anyone who will listen that he's got leads on CCTV footage of a football club owner snorting cocaine at his club? ------------------------------------------ An anagram of Mila Kunis is Milki Anus. ------------------------------------------ >> Live and Kidding << Scenes behind the scenes Poor old London Live has taken a bit of a pasting for its cheap programming since it launched. There seems to be more people watching the human statues in Covent Garden than this channel, but perhaps they haven't done themselves any favours while putting it all together. Someone offered a mid-ranking back office job recently was told their salary would be in excess of 60k. No wonder they don't have any cash left with which to make the shows. ------------------------------------------ The Cornish man who gave Bond villain Jaws his metal teeth has been exposed as an unregistered dental technician. (He also helped Eric Bristow with snoring problems) ------------------------------------------ >> Yew don't say?! << The creepy life of child stars Child soprano, and star of Simon Cowell's America's Got Talent, Jackie Evancho, is now 14, and has signed a new international contract with Sony Masterworks. Hopefully she's been primed to know what she can expect coming of age as a child star. One of Hayley Westenra's team recounts that - even though Hayley is now 27 - her tours and her personal appearances are often enlivened by a number of middle-aged and elderly men trailing after her, all clutching crumpled and stained photographs of her 10-year-old self. ------------------------------------------ More Kiefer Sutherland in London news: He was spotted in the queue at BBC radio theatre, waiting to hear the re-recording of a Hancock's Half Hour episode. ------------------------------------------ >> No Quirkey business << Cheryl Fergison's new project After she acted as a character witness for convicted sex offender Max Clifford, you may feel a little less comfortable sending your kids to Pauline Quirke's Acting Academy. But not to worry. There's soon to be a new option. Cheryl Fergison (aka Heather Trott from EastEnders) is in the process of putting together the funds needed to launch her new acting school for children. So if you're at a loose end in Dartford this weekend, you can go and help fundraise. http://bit.ly/1muskpV ****************************************** Fancy a comedy night out in Soho? Check out Adrienne Truscott's show. It's about rape. And she's semi-naked. Until end May. Popbitch discount, 2.50GBP off ticket price, quote "popbitchaskingforit": http://bit.ly/1nRCvEt ****************************************** Want a good read over the weekend on your iPad? We promise there's no Eurovision: * The sex lives of drunk prairie voles * Is there any answer to will.i.am's complete douchery * Spanish football just got a little bit kidnappy * Wine tasting with T'Pau * and more! Download and Info: http://bit.ly/1bexc8Y ****************************************** Street Feast is back! When? This weekend 'til September Where? Dalston Yard! What? Brilliant food and booze - from lobster to tacos; cocktails to beer: http://streetfeastlondon.com ****************************************** >> Swizz beatz << Jay-Z's jigga-y pokery By now you will have heard all the various theories as to why Solange attacked Jay-Z (that she was drunk/ angry/aware of some infidelity on Jay's part - depending on which magazines you take). There's one other theory going around though. That she's a huge fan of Swiss jazz. Jay-Z took a track from an 80 year old jazzer called Bruno Spoerri. He rapped over it, called it Versus, stuck it on the Magna Carta album and then flogged it to Samsung. This was all done without Bruno's blessing. There seems to be some settlement in the offing, but not a big one, from what we can gather. Some of Bruno's friends have described it as being like "stealing a grand piano without asking, then sending him one key back in the post". So maybe Solange was just doing what she felt the slighted 80 year old Swiss man couldn't? Listen for yourself: http://bit.ly/1jwOLoN FYI: There's a nice bit in this interview with Zane Lowe where Jay-Z explains how producers Timbaland and Swiss Beatz came up with the tune. Which must have been news to Mr Spoerri... http://bit.ly/1mrf9Wz ------------------------------------------ Good fact in the FT this week: In just two years (2011/12) China produced more cement than the US did in the whole 20th century. ------------------------------------------ >> Wurst practices << A Eurovision revision So the old Sov Bloc isn't so different to us after all. They phone voted in huge numbers for the sexy bearded lady, while the juries marked her almost last. But can you really blame them for being scared of not towing the government line? Last year Azerbaijan's jury had the temerity not to award points to Russia. In response, Russia's Foreign Minister called a press conference to threaten Azerbaijan. "The outrageous action at Eurovision regarding the Russian contestant will not go unanswered". In the light of what's happening in Ukraine, you can see why they didn't dare. Surely the only answer is the one we've always campaigned for? Ban the juries. FYI: Among the 20 countries where Conchita scored a top 5 hit was Kyrgystan. A country whose rulers are so illiberal there is a new law that makes it illegal for a woman to travel abroad without the approval of her father uuntil she's 24. They also tried to ban Vagina Monologues as it was "unnatural, perverted sex under the slogan of feminism." FYI 2: All the stats for another year: http://bit.ly/1ot30CT ------------------------------------------ Bearded drag act Conchita Wurst brought Eurovision to Austria for 2015. And where are the 2015 World Beard Championships taking place? Yep, Austria. ------------------------------------------ >> Popbits << Good... and bad GOOD? Musically speaking, it's been a rather good (if morally dubious) stretch for alleged molesters. That new Michael Jackson single was excellent (even if the rest of the Xscape album was absolute mince), and now R Kelly has got another great single out. http://bit.ly/1jKRUGs BAD! Has a trailer to a new TV show ever looked quite as bad as this? Dr Who's Karen Gillan, complete with accent, as a vacuous social media obsessive. Everything about this needs a good long soak in an acid bath: http://bit.ly/1svcr2j ------------------------------------------ There are more than 1,000 craft breweries in China. ------------------------------------------ >> Hmms << Pigs, pitbulls, porkface Want to own a whisky flavoured pig? We do! http://www.templetonryeporkproject.com Why it doesn't pay to join LinkedIn: http://bit.ly/1nJPH0G Club Kid Michael Alig is out of jail: http://bit.ly/1jtKjad Australian TV show Bogan Hunters is billed as "the search for Australia's greatest bogan". "Britain's Greatest Chav" anyone? http://www.boganhunters.com.au Randy, in Utah: http://bit.ly/1v50MLC Eurovision Molly's brother is a wrestler - a.k.a. the Babyface Pittbull: http://bit.ly/1qCX8sG The Netherlands' Eurovision loveliness gets a club mashup: http://bit.ly/1sO4J5i The making of the Conchita Wurst wurst: http://bit.ly/1iOKfGq Tinfoil hats at the ready! When the world is ending, there's no time for punctuation: http://bit.ly/1v50zrG Putin's army of internet trolls threaten both Ukraine and journalism: http://onforb.es/1g5MTIJ >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ******************************************* Thanks to: PB, NW, NS, SD, TM, SG, DG, JE, spoonA, SW, ulysses, posh_duckhunter, BM, AS, chelsearentboy, deep_stoat, DB, mandy_mcnab, R, plasticflamingo, bad_horsey ******************************************* Old Jokes Home: Q: What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination? A: Haaaannnnd eeeyyyeeee Still Bored: Ryan Lewis from Macklemore reveals his mother is HIV+ from a blood transfusion 30 years ago, when his sister was born. They're fundraising to set up clinics in Africa: http://bit.ly/1loHCsi
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Happy Birthday Richard Blackwood
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Go, Russ, Go!
****************************************** Endless bikinis, surfboards and a converted bus to travel around Australia in. We just found the Australian surfing version of the Von Trapp family on Booodl: http://booodl.it/x5bp0 ****************************************** "I'm already famous, I don't need to pull people in. I don't need to make a shock or a song or a dance about everything" - Lily Allen ------------------------------------------ POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 22.05.14 ISSUE 691 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Katz: bring on the Sarpong * Bear: getting up in your gryll * Charts: Sam Smith is number one! ------------------------------------------ >> Bound 2 blab << Kimye have a leak Now Kim and Kanye's European wedding is imminent, the notorious control freaks are trying to manage press coverage even more than usual. Wonder if Kim knows that one of the biggest whistleblowers on the Kardashians is her sister's baby-papa, Scott Disick? Scott talks to a US magazine reporter; they then try to sell the stories to the UK, making them promise not to name Scott as the source. Oops. FYI: From the Disick treasure trove this week: * E! paid for Versailles even though the wedding can't take place there. * It's all Kanye's idea - Kim just wants a "more normal" ceremony in LA. * Kim is jealous of Khloe's butt. * Kim is on a 600 calorie starvation diet to fit into her wedding dress. ------------------------------------------ Chip Shop is getting married again this summer. As Max Clifford is otherwise engaged, "Celebrity Psychotherapist" Nik Speakman will be giving Katona away. ------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << Who's asking what this week Is it too good to be true that the mystery auction buyer of the Humpty doll from Play School (which sold for six grand this week) was actually Elton John? ------------------------------------------ The Good Morning Britain breakfast team are being forced out on socials together by producers to help them get over their lack of on-screen chemistry. ------------------------------------------ >> So long, Sarpong << Paxo's seat still to be stuffed Ian Katz has been quick to distance himself from the announcement that June Sarpong made yesterday, saying she was joining the BBC's popular light entertainment show, Newsnight. Bad move, Ian. This could have been the first maverick decision under your tenure that actually paid off. Not only could June have fronted the bits that currently make actual journalists Emily Maitlis and Kirsty Wark look visibly uncomfortable (the Cookie Monster interview; the Thriller dance) but June is a total pro with difficult subjects. Not only has she been presenting a show on conspiracy theories with Jesse Ventura, she did great work interviewing the non-existent ghost of Michael Jackson for Sky. http://bit.ly/1gSLu9e ------------------------------------------ Ellie Goulding likes to check into hotels under the name Snowy Clarke. ------------------------------------------ >> Soft soap << Corrie star alienates London Michelle Keegan's name is mud in showbiz circles right now. She was supposed to be a guest at the Baftas on Sunday but she cancelled on the Friday saying she was too ill. But, judging from the photos that were printed in the red-tops on Monday, she wasn't so ill that she couldn't accompany her numpty fiance, Mark Wright, to a club appearance in Newcastle on Saturday night. Perhaps she'd read that Guardian piece about what a wasteland the North East was and just assumed no-one could afford a camera? ****************************************** Something great for the Bank Holiday weekend at the National Theatre. The Animals and Children Took To The Streets. Six performances only. It's had great reviews for its mix of live music, performance, storytelling and animation. Tickets from 15GBP. Call 020 7452 3000 or: http://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk ****************************************** >> Unbearable << Getting up in people's grylls Bear Grylls has been making no friends on the set of The Island. Whenever C4 backs are turned he's been trying to sneak his own "Bear Grylls"-branded machetes into shot, despite his weary crew reminding him over and over about product placement rules. ------------------------------------------ A bit shit, Sherlock. We hear reports that Benedict Cumberbatch was "a right rude tosser" at the Chelsea Flower show. Benedict's mum, however, was "lovely". ------------------------------------------ >> Run to the Hills << It's Russell to the rescue Having a big pink hotel in the middle of Beverly Hills when you're owned by the investment arm of a repressive autocracy that has just decided it's fine to stone gays is perhaps not an easy thing to PR, but Dorchester Hotel Group's approach to crisis management won't be winning them any prizes. At first they wanted to attack rather than defend. Something along the that their rivals, Four Seasons, have a lot of Saudi money, and the Saudis do bad things to the gays too. They were dissuaded by their handlers from this approach. The next idea? Kinda telling porkies. Pushing the idea that the Brunei ruler makes no money out of the Dorchester. Again, perhaps not the best approach to take to the press. They might even have been able to survive the celebrity boycott led by Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen Fry and Richard Branson but the Dorchester has just suffered the kiss of death. Russell Crowe is backing them. ****************************************** Perfect for your kindle: the extraordinary lesbian bonkbusting novel from former TV commissioner, Jacqui Lawrence: Can you recognise the TV execs the characters are based on? Even if you can't you'll probably enjoy the dirty bits: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K6JBUOA ****************************************** >> Cape fear << Places to avoid Rather than look at the steady stream of pap photo stories of Z-listers on the beach in Dubai and thinking "Thank fuck the Dubai tourist board arranges all that so we don't have any embarrassing celebrities holidaying with us" the Melia Tortuga in Cape Verde seems to be copying the strategy. Recently in the celeb mags and mailonline we've seen plenty of photos of Danielle Lloyd, Lydia Bright off-of TOWIE, and Katie Price on a pink beach bed with her straying stripper, Kieran. So if you're looking for a holiday, you now know where to avoid. ------------------------------------------ There's a new Electoral Commission rule enforced from today: "Taking selfies in polling stations is strictly forbidden". ------------------------------------------ >> Jimmy'll fix it << Football buries head in sands Comedy ex-footballer Jimmy Bullard agreed to enter a football tournament in aid of the stillbirth charity, Sands. He even ran a competition to win a place on his team. To enter you had to donate to his Just Giving page - which racked up 750 quid for the charity. The event took place on Sunday, the day after the FA Cup Final. Alas, Jimmy enjoyed Saturday's hospitality so much he didn't manage to turn up. Although the people who paid to play with him did. Instead Twitter suggested Bullard was on something of a hair-of-the-dog pub crawl around Greenwich. Part of the reason Jimmy was getting involved was to help launch his new agency Extra Time Management. Their website claims, "We don't only want to fill your diary up, we want to organise it and manage it." How reassuring! ------------------------------------------ Premier League whistleblower Rani Abraham has taken up with publicist Jonathan Hartley, known in the PR world for his "unique 'No Fame, No Fee' policy". ------------------------------------------ >> Hmms << Apes, dildos, biscuits Does eating cheese affect your chances of being electrocuted? No. But there could still be a correlation: http://bit.ly/SmVmws Uri Geller's bent spoon gorilla: http://bbc.in/1nh24Cf Relax with Rolf http://bit.ly/1lG9QyM If Eurovision was decided on phone votes alone - the top and bottom wouldn't have changed but Poland would have been 5th and UK would have been 21st: http://bit.ly/1ngSlf6 The internet search history of all 50 states: http://bit.ly/1jFQkH2 Dildo generator: http://www.dildo-generator.com/ A baby goat on wheels: http://vimeo.com/95834056 If you haven't yet heard Barry from Watford talk about crunchy, minty biscuits... http://bit.ly/1oiRS9d Popbitch Fantasy Football results! Last: Lazy Donuts, Hamstrung, The Spice Girls. 3rd False9FromOuterSpace, 2nd 424Skins. Winner The Blue Oysters! ****************************************** Frugl is a new events discovery app for people that like free and cheap stuff to do in London. It is completely free to download for iPhones here: http://bit.ly/1o9xzNZ ****************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ******************************************* Thanks to: JMB, SG, CW, Z, deepstoat whats the beefchief, RMJ, bobbifleckmann Everyone who got in touch to tell us that we should be "toeing the line". ******************************************* Old Jokes Home: Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? A: Ten tickles. Still Bored: Victoria Aitken is back with a new song! http://bit.ly/RcgsMO
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Hilarious and Quick-Witted
****************************************** Want to get involved in the funniest film of the year? It's all about human trafficking, Jesus and a porn film http://tinyurl.com/adultcontentmovie ****************************************** "The way I look isn't about feeling sexy for me; I like to feel hilarious and quick-witted" - Alexa Chung ------------------------------------------ POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 29.05.14 ISSUE 692 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Putting the willies up Max Clifford * The Big Belgian World Cup Bet * Charts: Secondcity - new number one ------------------------------------------ >> Stockholm syndrome << Will Julian ever be happy? Next month, Julian Assange will mark his two year anniversary living inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London. He's been holed up there to avoid being extradited to Sweden to face rape accusations, as he fears it's all a ruse to have him further extradited to the US. And yet despite trying his very hardest to avoid being sent to Sweden, Assange has been whining about the fact he has been banned from attending the Stockholm Internet Forum. In Stockholm. In Sweden. ------------------------------------------ A rumour going around current affairs reporters - the BBC has mysteriously canned a programme on U2's tax affairs? ------------------------------------------ >> Maximum Security << Putting the willies up Clifford When Max Clifford got to his prison cell, he found a note waiting for him on his bunk. It simply said, "All the bad things you have heard about prison are true". So who could have arranged for such a nice welcome for the noncey publicist? Fingers are pointing at legendary convict, John McVicar, who had been ripped off by Maxie back in the day and was waiting for his moment... ------------------------------------------ A European Election Anagram Special, pt I "The Conservatives" = Cretins have votes. ------------------------------------------ >> Big Question << Who's been asking what this week Which of the Yewtree suspects would offer co-workers he fancied a going rate of fifty quid for a blow job? Will Radio 5live's plan to downsize its afternoon shows from three to two mean that Richard Bacon's overheard grumbled wish not to have to travel to Manchester comes true? ------------------------------------------ On the menu at a dinner held by Vladimir Putin for news agency editors last weekend... "Crimean Flounder". ------------------------------------------ >> The doll house << Play School goes to Skegness As we feared, the rumour that Elton John was the secret auction bidder for Humpty from Play School was untrue. But we were delighted to learn that the new owner's family are Popbitch readers. They tell us that Humpty's new home is in Skegness and he is now owned by a photography company which specialises in school photos. And should Elton be interested, they might be open to offers... ------------------------------------------ Westminster Cockwatch - R writes: "Nick Clegg, sleek and, dare one say, polished looking, although for some reason peering down at it seemed to make him sad." ------------------------------------------ >> Prophets and losses << "The straight edge metal band" When Ian Watkins from Lostprophets was arrested in late 2012, the rest of the band were very quick to issue a statement about it through their official website. Since then, it seems no-one's been paying a great deal of attention to the site. We're not entirely sure what's happened but they seem to be less concerned about Watkins' string of sexual abuses and more concerned about making sure their fans know how to use online casinos correctly. Take a look: http://lostprophets.com/ ------------------------------------------ Alan Pardew was seen snacking at the Son Of A Bun burger van on the port at the Monaco Grand Prix. ------------------------------------------ >> Belgian bills << World Cup supermarket sweep A big bookmaker told us they'd just taken a 50k bet on Belgium to win the World Cup. A win would net the punter a million quid. And then we heard it from another. The same bet. And another... Now we think we've counted six 50k bets in the last week. Something weird going on? Well, not sure, but this could explain it. A big Belgian supermarket chain launched a massive marketing promotion - shop three times in the World Cup, and if Belgium win your fourth shop is free. No doubt the marketing muppets were patting themselves on the back. Until the bean-counters worked out it could result in a six million euro hole in their finances, as shoppers rush to fill their boots. Hence the rush to get some money in the betting markets to pay it off. Take a 300k hit now or a 6 million one in July. FYI: There's also a rumour going round of a similar thing if Switzerland make the QFs - any Swiss readers know anything? email hello@popbitch.com ------------------------------------------ FT reports that a recent Mercedes-Benz online ad campaign was viewed more by auto computer programmes than human beings. ------------------------------------------ >> Blind hate << Making friends in the air Watching Cilla get a lifetime gong at the Baftas, in front of an incredibly half-hearted standing ovation, reminded us just how many stories from flight attendants we've had over the years about her. On one flight, in first class, Cilla was refusing to speak to cabin crew, never saying please or thank you, issuing all orders through her PA. The full nine yards. Eventually the flight attendant grew so tired of her behaviour, he leaned over to speak directly to her: "I knew you couldn't sing, but I didn't know you couldn't fucking speak". ------------------------------------------ A European Election Anagram Special, pt II "Liberal Democrats" = A terrible old scam. ------------------------------------------ >> Foot-balls << Dancing with tears in our eyes We mentioned a few weeks back that Daniel Sturridge was angling to get a producer to make him a record for his ridiculous dance. Looks like Duke Dumont, the first choice, didn't step up. But someone has. The result is, somewhat predictably, absolute shit. Don't say we didn't warn you: https://soundcloud.com/jmcvault ------------------------------------------ European Election Anagram Special, pt III "The British National Party" is an anagram of "Inhabitants pray to Hitler" ------------------------------------------ >> Hmms << Flange, Otters, Kate Your very own sweary horoscope t-shirt: http://goo.gl/vifCFA Vanessa Feltz' groper is the fifty quid gob-jobber: http://dexpr.es/1oJhJaF Big flange, anyone? http://bit.ly/SeMyIM Otters. Playing the piano: http://bit.ly/1hy9A3C The economics of football stickers: http://econ.st/1kfJ3rE Sadly for Max Clifford his conviction means he's unlikely to ever be able to enter this: http://bit.ly/1k6N3PQ Bild's royal arse shots: http://bit.ly/TWyNQh We thought The Hooligan Factory was going to be the shittest film ever and turns out it's not: http://bit.ly/1rjLL9p >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ******************************************* Thanks to: SG, DW, SC, TG, K, JC, MW, KS, JC, JR, B and SK for the anagrams ******************************************* Old Jokes Home: My local cinema manager has died. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.30, 5.00 and 7.30. Still Bored: "Wine From Temporary Occupied Crimea Territory": http://bit.ly/1wqOsGg
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48:06
****************************************** Father's Day again: sort your present for 9.99GBP and buy him (or her) a custom-made gift set of 3 Bluffer's Guides. What's he into? Beer, wine, football, poetry? 29 titles to choose from, so you'll find a trio of guides to sum up your old pa. Use code "popdad": http://po.st/2XfgW8 ****************************************** "I don't think you understand the showbiz scene at all" - Rolf Harris ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 05.06.14 ISSUE 693 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Slurry lover goes to prison * Popbitch goes to Soho Theatre * Charts: Ed Sheeran is number one ------------------------------------------ >> Outfoxed << Seth vesus Wendi Wendi Deng hated Fox TV's huge hit Family Guy so much that she told her ex-husband, and boss of Fox, Rupert Murdoch, to pass that message on to its creator, Seth McFarlane. She even tried to put the kibosh on one particular episode, When You Wish Upon A Weinstein, insisting it should not air because it was anti-Semitic. In response, McFarlane sent copies of the episode to Chief Rabbis in Israel and LA. They both said it was fantastic, so Seth forwarded their letters to Deng who absolutely lost her shit. The episode aired. ------------------------------------------ The King of Spain has abdicated. Another Juan bites the dust. ------------------------------------------ >> Spy games << Bin Brother is watching you Looking at the Sunday Times' great story on the Qatar World Cup, one thing seemed really puzzling. Could it really only have cost Mohammed Bin Hammam just $5 million to buy up a whole World Cup? Rumours suggest not. Bin Hammam obviously knows a thing a two about human nature. So he'd know that any football chief who was happy to be bribed would also likely be up for a counter-bribe by any other party who was keen to secure a different World Cup outcome. Which is why a team of spies was engaged, at vast cost, to follow those he'd targeted with gifts, to make sure that they weren't meeting with any rivals. ****************************************** Save money and drink amazing fresh coffee. Pact Coffee will send you a 250g bag for just ONE POUND with free P&P, a saving of 5.95GBP - use code "lovepact" now at: http://bit.ly/1xbIF7P ****************************************** >> Schill trick << Keith and co to the rescue! Anyone still convinced that the Qatar World Cup bid did everything above board, in light of the Sunday Times investigation into alleged bribery and corruption, is going to have trouble clinging to that hope now. The law firm that Qatar has instructed to help protect its reputation? The very same law firm that did such solid work for paragons of virtue as Ryan Giggs, John Terry, Lance Armstrong and Tiger Woods... Schillings! ------------------------------------------ Mariella Frostrup has been making a few enemies in TV. According to crew members who spoke to us, she is incredibly rude. ------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which celebrity wedding was nearly delayed after two of the high profile guests went missing? Luckily the lovely ladies were found with half an hour to spare, clinched in a threesome with a random male guest. By the bride's father. (Whose eyes, no doubt, went a little poppy...) ------------------------------------------ The same wedding had a private jet arrive fully stocked with gak for the society guests. ------------------------------------------ >> Cockwatching << The week in Westminster This week: Climate change denier and ex-Chancellor, Nigel Lawson. X writes: "You know how for some time now Lawson has looked a bit like a barrage balloon which someone has let most of the air out of? Well, that theme seemed to continue much the same down below. Think of a noble old elephant trunk on a very, very cold day." ------------------------------------------ Rumour doing the rounds at C5 yesterday that Luisa Zissman was in line to be axed from Big Brother's Bit On The Side. Maybe they let her off cos it was her birthday? ------------------------------------------ >> Popbitch Live! << Come hang out in Soho! We've been lobbying hard for Texas drag superstar CHRISTEENE to come to London. So, to mark the start of a run in London and Edinburgh, we're taking over Soho Theatre Downstairs, Tues 24th June. Bar from 9pm, show 9.30-10.30pm, and then DJS from Austin, Texas til late. Join us, meet fellow PBers. It will be fun. But it might be weird. Here's the (NSFW) trailer. WARNING: It's not for the faint hearted... http://vimeo.com/96606610 We have a special price, only 7.50GBP a ticket. Book here, using the code "brangit": http://bit.ly/UbH9Uz ------------------------------------------ More Political Anagrams:"Scottish National Party" = "Oh, nasty tartan politics". ------------------------------------------ >> Mudderfucker << Slurry lover goes back inside It seems that sex offenders just can't catch a break these days. Savile is still in the news, Yewtree is landing punch after punch, and now the infamous slurry wanker, the man who was in the papers (and prison) for rolling around in cow pats and tugging himself silly, has just been sentenced to five years in jail. Read: http://bit.ly/1rLBS4A ------------------------------------------ Nicole Scherzinger plays her own music when getting ready to go out. ------------------------------------------ >> Stand and deliver << Staff told to get down on it There seems to be a bit of an issue at the headquarters of Lloyds Bank. Specifically in the gents' loos. The problem is thought to be a cultural one, having arisen when a number of technical staff who had previously been working in the bank's Indian offices were drafted over to the London HQ. We won't go into explicit detail as to what's happened exactly, but the posters showing men standing on toilet seats ought to give you some sort of clue... http://bit.ly/1wli1J7 FYI: If you have any others to add to our collection hello@popbitch.com ******************************************* Saint Etienne are celebrating 25 years in pop with a glossy limited edition photo book. Inc full discography and personal commentary from Sarah, Bob and Pete. 1700 copies only: http://www.firstthirdbooks.com ******************************************* >> Out of time << iTunes jumping the tracks Kasabian streamed their latest album on iTunes earlier this week. Eager to hear some of the worst lyrics of all time set to music ("Everyone's on bugle / We're being watched by Google") we logged on, and we noticed something a little strange. The album is titled 48:13, after the LP's running time. The wanky artwork lists all of the tracks' lengths. Yet something doesn't quite add up, as the times that iTunes lists only total 48:06. Look: http://bit.ly/Tdh7PJ ------------------------------------------ Simple Political Anagrams: Newark = Wanker. Osborne = Sore Nob. ------------------------------------------ >> Stonewallies << Campaigners have gone Hoxton Stonewall was founded in 1989 by a small group of women and men who had been active in the struggle against Section 28 of the Local Government Act; a serious and important lobbying group set up to combat a serious attack on personal freedom. Stonewall is 25 years old now. And how are they commemorating it? This is the email we got: "To celebrate Stonewall's 25th Anniversary, SNOG Frozen Yogurt have collaborated with Fashion Designer and founder of label Cassette Playa Carri Munden to create an Insta-exhibition and a selfie photo-booth stamping app (the BEST!) featuring Harry Styles, Rita Ora, Florence Welch & Nick Grimshaw". The protagonists of the 1969 riots that gave Stonewall their name must feel so proud. ------------------------------------------ Kirstie Alley now has a dozen ring-tailed lemurs. She employs a full-time animal handler at $40k to look after them. ------------------------------------------ >> Hmms << Maya, Zooey, Nazi Popbitch's favourite vet? http://bit.ly/1owOFC9 The late Dr Maya Angelou and Jessica Mitford performing a duet of Right Said Fred: http://bit.ly/StoeTI All of the dialogue in Star Wars, cut up and placed into alphabetical order: http://bit.ly/1jQHPmW Karen Gillan's new scary movie just isn't very scary: http://bit.ly/1njWRXa Guys with Zooey Deschanel eyes: http://guyswithzooeyes.tumblr.com/ An actual grammar Nazi: http://bit.ly/1kLfZIZ Low budget beasts... http://lowbudgetbeasts.tumblr.com/ ...and two-bit Audrey Twos: http://lowbudgetaudrey2.tumblr.com/ Porcupine eating pumpkins: http://bit.ly/1x7aPAS A hatchet job on Alan Rusbridger: http://bit.ly/TdIwB6 >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ******************************************* Thanks to: JE, JB, TC, posh_duckhunter, BF, monstris, PD, LMES, __________, ST, R, BC, SM ******************************************* Old Jokes Home: Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in. Still Bored: The Daily Mail is caught plagiarising the Planetary Society now: http://bit.ly/1oveBOF
↧
No Discernible Shaft
************************************* London's most exciting summer show! Soho Theatre, 24th June. Special price, only 7.50GBP. CHRISTEENE - plus bar and DJs. http://bit.ly/1s82kWg From 9pm, show 9.30-10.30pm Come join us. Book here, use "brangit": http://bit.ly/UbH9Uz ****************************** ******* "This is the new rockstar lifestyle. Bono does it. The question is: do you go to the Grammys or to Davos?" - will.i.am ------------------------------ -------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 12.06.14 ISSUE 694 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * How Kanye payrolls * Time to sod off, Sepp * Charts: Ella Henderson is no. 1 ------------------------------ -------- >> Against the grain << High society superfoods Some things in life are beyond parody. The Guardian, for example. At a drinks party to celebrate their Sustainable Business Awards they served guests espresso martinis. But they weren't made with Vladivar or Smirnoff or any socially dubious Russian vodka. No. The drinks were made with FAIR vodka: "The world's first vodka made from Fairtrade quinoa". FYI: A big winner at their awards? The CEO of Unilever. FYI2: Unilever signed a "seven-figure" partnership with Guardian News & Media to do "branded content" centred on sustainable living. ------------------------------ ------------ Wondering what Daniel Bedingfield was up to? Well, he just co-wrote last week's number one, by Second City! ------------------------------ ------------ >> Kim-flam << Celebrity circlejerk In her column for OK! this week, Girls Aloud's Kimberley Walsh was writing about her surprise at having read a number of stories in the press about her offering relationship advice to former bandmate, Cheryl Cole. She doesn't mention any titles by name in the column, so where, oh where, did these fabricated stories appear? Strangely enough, it was Story of the Week in OK!'s sister magazine, New! ------------------------------ ------------ Football presenter James Richardson is a big fan of Color Me Badd. ------------------------------ ------------ >> Bad Abbott << Diane phones in appearance At Hay Festival this year there was a panel discussion entitled "When Women Rule", about getting more women in business. One of the panellists was MP Diane Abbott. Who no doubt did a great deal for the cause by sitting on the stage texting and doing her emails on her phone whenever she wasn't the one talking. ------------------------------ ------------ Vince Cable spotted at Bloomberg "stuffing his face at the free buffet. He couldn't get it in quick enough." ------------------------------ ------------ >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? This pop star's new single and comeback is inevitably accompanied by a camera-friendly new man, so why are so many same-sex-love rumours circulating? In light of the huge celebrity boycott, is Philip Green still living in the Dorchester Hotel? ------------------------------ ------------ Cockwatching at New Terminal 2 Heathrow: "Heston Blumenthal, last Wednesday. Circumcised, no discernible shaft. In fact, exactly as you would imagine." ------------------------------ ------------ >> Orange is the new sacked << Just how Kanye West payrolls Looking for an easy job where you don't have to do much work? Simple. All you need to do is get on Kanye West's payroll, then turn up for work wearing a brightly coloured outfit, or look him straight in the eye and say hi. Apparently Kanye hates these two things so much, that he will have you sacked for it. Except you can't (legally) sack someone for wearing, say, an orange T-shirt. So you get to stay on the payroll, and are just told to stay out of his way when he's around so he doesn't find out. Bingo! ****************************** ************ "Want to know Ryan Gosling's five fave things? Or why Scar Jo loves her little black Dior dress? Now you can. Ask your favourite celebrities to join Booodl and start telling the world about their things. We'll do the rest: https://booodl.com/ask ****************************** ************ >> Savoy circus << Extraordinary royal tosh Evening Standard proprietor Evgeny Lebedev loves nothing more than to chum up to royalty. Even when that royalty hasn't actually occupied a recognised throne for the best part of eighty years - like some bloke called Emanuele Filiberto, who received a massive double page puff-piece this week: "He should be ruling his country but instead HRH Emanuele Filiberto of Savoy has landed in London to conquer our film industry." ------------------------------ ------------ Alex Ferguson has made almost three million quid from selling his wine collection in the last month. ------------------------------ ------------ >> Botney 4 Bono << "Nice to hear from U2" Mr X writes: "Was just thinking about your story last week about the rumour that the BBC canned a programme on U2's tax affairs. "Bono and Alan Yentob are close friends. When I was producing at the BBC, Alan would wait until you walked into the office to say to his assistant, "Get me Bono on the phone." He would then proceed to have the entire conversation in front of you, at the end of which he would hang up and say, 'That was Bono.'" ******** MINI BIT ON WORLD CUP ********** Fancy making some money? New customers to Coral, this is great: "Brazil to wear yellow shirts tonight" Brazil, who wear yellow shirts, at home, first game of the world cup....? Bet a tenner, at 2-1 it's a no-brainer. (Hopefully) http://bit.ly/1qyGfM6 ****************************** ************ >> Sod off, Sepp << The right sort of pay-off After the fortnight he's had, you'd think Sepp Blatter would be glad he was coming to the end of his term as FIFA president. But he wants to stay on until 2019, if the FIFA members (ie, his mates) 'ask' him. Surely Sepp's time is up? Seeing as money is the only language Blatter understands, we decided to get behind this campaign to try to pay him off. All they need is one pound from you, and they'll make him an offer he'll find hard to refuse... Read, donate a pound, pass on: http://igg.me/at/sodoffsepp/ ******** Mini World Cup Bit Ends ********* Sport and betting gurus Citibet have switched from magazine to online - back just in time for the World Cup: http://bit.ly/citibet ****************************** ************ >> RIPrick << Haunting words In all the tributes to Rik Mayall, we couldn't help but find this passage terribly sad, on his regret at falling out with Ade Edmondson over turning down the chance to do a new series of Bottom last year: "Ade said we weren't old enough to be mad, old bastards - but if we leave it another 10 years, how the fuck are we going to do anything?" ------------------------------ ------------ The perils of anti-doping in sport. Mark Cavendish had a urine test this week - after a dinner of asparagus. ------------------------------ ------------ >> Popbits << Going Dutch, again The music industry's hot tip for a summer smash is Oliver Heldens' Gekko. With the addition of Becky Watson's vocals on to the teenage Dutch DJ's club-hit instrumental it's expected to be a big comeback for Pete Tong's legendary house label, FFRR. Take a listen: http://bit.ly/1hLsucT FYI: Another brilliant summer tune is this Record of the Day choice: http://bit.ly/UvBPv9 ------------------------------ ------------ SR writes: "Re Mariella Frostrup being rude, I disagree. I attended the BAFTAs as a 'seat filler', was sat next to her, and she kindly said 'hello' to me." ------------------------------ ------------ >> Hmms << Kilmer, cake, guns Another cute addition to our collection of toilet signs - from Cafe Nirvana in Hong Kong: http://bit.ly/1wli1J7 Val Kilmer as Mark Twain, dancing in a lift: http://bit.ly/1s7Mafz Mean Girls, as an 8-bit game: http://bit.ly/1v3bgKA Why can't designers decide on a share icon? http://bit.ly/1l3QzMP Summer pop-up shop by the canal at Hackney Wick - right by Crate Brewery - for all your tiki needs! http://bit.ly/1xNiggU Fancy watching John Carpenter's classic They Live on the big screen? With beer? And swearing? Details here: http://bit.ly/1pLOvIN "Last year I was involved with a war room for World Baking Day." Does any press about PRs not make them look like absolute tools? http://bit.ly/1hLw5rd Because gun control would be far too sensible: http://bodyguardblanket.com/ How do insurgents celebrate the overthrow of Mosul. With cake! http://bit.ly/1ogFeuR Last week, a huge octopus disrupts traffic on Oxford Circus. This week, dancers: http://bit.ly/1l4aJGc >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ****************************** ************* Thanks to: L, SR, FL, BH, SG, M, AP, monstris, S, LH, AM, JT ****************************** ************* Old Jokes Home: I like apostrophes... even though they can be possessive. Still Bored: Musicmix, who did that brilliant Indian covers mix last year, are back with a Rio soundtrack: http://bit.ly/1jXge2Z
↧
↧
Famed Sausage Merchant
****************************************** BIG ASS ART SALE continues... Quality, affordable urban art from the likes of Dan McCarthy, Mr Brainwash, Banksy, Obey, Guy Denning, Sht!, Prefab, Daniel Danger, Billy Childish, TRXTR and many more... New listings every Thursday from 8pm: http://ebay.eu/1qh3nyV ****************************************** "I didn't name-drop Spike Jonze earlier to make myself look cool. That's my friend" - Kanye West ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 19.06.14 ISSUE 695 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Clarence House rules * will.i.am's 3D-printed lifestyle * Charts: 5SOS v Ella for No. 1 ------------------------------------------ >> Rebranding << David Rose again If he has any hope of rekindling his career, it's pretty crucial that plagiarist, incest-porn aficionado and Wikipedia bully, Johann Hari, picks his next project carefully. Thankfully, we might be in luck. Word around the watercooler is that Hari is connected to a project to get a political documentary off the ground. One featuring a new kind of political hero. A celebrity who seems to have become BFFs with Hari... ... Russell Brand. FYI: Apparently Michael Winterbottom is in the frame to direct it too. ------------------------------------------ Hurrah! Tewwy off-of East 17 is hireable to be your DJ! "90s dance anthems and club classics" are his speciality. ------------------------------------------ >> Royal treatment << Clarence House rules There was a rumour doing the rounds with Royal-watching hacks which suggested that the Harry-Cressida split was more to do with the Prince cosying up to Amanda Sheppard (ex-wife of Bryan Ferry), than Cressida being unwilling to conform to Royal life. Apparently the Mail approached Clarence House with the story (needing some text to run alongside all those pictures of Cressida out looking tearful) but it was firmly denied. Instead the Royal handlers suggested this story instead: "After just three weeks apart, the pair have had a secret reunion and are now back in 'constant touch'." The Mail ran it. Nice to see that the press are still happy to act as the PR arm of the monarchy. ------------------------------------------ We're delighted Jonathan Shalit now has an OBE to add to his 'professorship'. Surely this calls for a new passport... ------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? What else (other than the Katie Price-confessed vodka bottle) is Alex Reid said to like having put up his jacksie? Which premier league footballer could probably do without a celebrity drug dealer posting photos of the pair of them out together? People might talk. ------------------------------------------ UKIP membership growth is being touted as extraordinary. In 2002 - 9,000; now - 39k. A massive growth of 2,500 per year. ------------------------------------------ >> Way out West << The wit and wisdom of Kanye A big week for tech-trepreneur popstar egomaniacs this week. First, will.i.am declared that we are entering "the beginning of a more sustainable 3D-printed lifestyle." But that wasn't a patch on what Kanye had to offer. Some thoughts from Kanye West's talk at the Cannes Lions Festival: * "The world as a whole is fucking ugly. The internet is ugly too... Instagram is nice, I'm not knocking that." * "America makes the best music. Italy makes the best suits." * "What is the most distasteful thing you can do? Kill somebody. So good taste is the opposite of that." * "Cars should just be metal." * "It's just ridiculous to give any celebrity a creative director role of anything... There's only like three guys it could possibly work with. That's Ryan Leslie, me and will.i.am." ------------------------------------------ Y2K pop stars O-Town (Liquid Dreams) are back with a new single. They don't sound any different. Or look any different. ------------------------------------------ >> Sex mex << Good taste gone wild Kanye West loves banging on about his good taste and his political sensibility. And yet he seems happy that his Mexican honeymoon served, essentially, as the backdrop for his wife's latest mucky photoshoot. And for it to have taken place at Joe Francis' villa. That's this Joe Francis: * The man behind the "Girls Gone Wild" videos, where drunk Spring Breakers were encouraged to get their tits out for the cameras. * Sentenced to 270 days in jail for falsely imprisoning and assaulting young women. * Done time for tax evasion. * Whose response to any critic is, "Look at their penis and tell me if it's small. Tell me!' Nice work, Kanye. ------------------------------------------ Hacking Trial Maths: The prosecution spend 1k per day. The privately funded defence teams of the six defendants? 60k per day. ------------------------------------------ >> Dead wrong << Wikipedia rewrites history again After dozens of obituaries wrongly noted that Ronnie Hazlehurst co- wrote S Club 7's Reach, it seems journalists on death-watch still haven't learned their lesson about cribbing from Wikipedia. Casey Kasem died earlier this week and a surprising number of the obits mentioned that he had done voiceover work for famed sausage merchant Oscar Mayer. It came as a bit of a surprise to those who knew Kasem as an incredibly vocal vegan who refused a number of jobs that involved him promoting meat. So where did the Oscar Mayer myth come from? A Popbitch reader who was bored at work about five years ago added it to Kasem's Wikipedia page - and had forgotten all about it, until it was in all the papers. ------------------------------------------ What does winning Britain's Got Talent get you? If you're Jai McDowall: the support slot on Gareth Gates' tour... ------------------------------------------ >> Truncheon vouchers << How coppers eat on the beat Georgey Porgy writes: "As an add-on to your Vince Cable at Bloomberg story, the buffets they lay on are actually top notch. "Every Bloomberg office around the world has a 'pantry', which is a whole floor of 'free food' - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The London office has a steady stream of visiting City of London police who make excuses to come and stock up on free lattes and snacks throughout the day." ****************************************** A 360 degree panoramic performance under the night sky, audiences have been loving THE ROOF on London's South Bank - an "immersive live action video game with incredible sound design and choreography". Popbitch readers get half-price tickets, 15GBP until 26 June (Mon-Thu), use code "ROOF15" http://bit.ly/1plDFdh ****************************************** >> Hmmms << Zombies, play-doh, Phil Neville Chris from Big Brother in a film trailer (56s in): http://bit.ly/1uFwjka Chris from Big Brother is also an artist: http://bit.ly/1uFwI6d Sam Faiers has made a perfume and got some champagne in to launch it: http://bit.ly/1lC9s9G Quentin Tarantino's Ghostbusters Vol. 3: http://bit.ly/1nlXzBu Phil Neville narrates Game Of Thrones: http://bit.ly/1pLxWza The Hacking Trial verdict is due any day now... after which you can read everything about the trial that couldn't be reported: http://www.hackingtrial.com A little something to wear alongside your tinfoil hat: http://bit.ly/1lIgKCT M.O have stopped trying to be an American girl group and embraced 90s garage - they're pretty good: http://bit.ly/1nmjc4U What Airbnb is doing to San Fran: http://bit.ly/1vXnPaE An interesting look at Terry Richardson: http://thecut.io/1oKa6Ev Real people, fake arms: http://bit.ly/1qvfvPd >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ******************************************* Thanks to: posh_duckhunter, monkeyhat, EP, SD, GP, H, ******************************************* Old Jokes Home: Q: Why do dwarves make bad parents? A: They struggle to put food on the table. Still Bored: Last chance for discounted tickets to the opening night of the wonderful CHRISTEENE at Soho Theatre, next Tuesday 24th June at 9.30pm. After England plays. Use code "brangit" http://bit.ly/UbH9Uz
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Selfies with Hucknall
****************************************** The best way to celebrate Pride, catch the most jaw-dropping and original cabaret show in London, the CHRISTEENE MACHINE. At Soho Theatre until Sat 5 July. Code "Fuggin" gets you fiver off ticket price: http://bit.ly/UbH9Uz ****************************************** "I've always been a glass half-full type of guy, even when I didn't have a glass" - Alan Davies ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 27.06.14 ISSUE 696 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Selfies with Hucknall * Lose like Jagger * Charts: Oliver Heldens is no 1 ------------------------------------------ >> Fair dealings << Labour party donations Ed Miliband has kindly donated some goodies for the sealed bids auction at his kids' school summer fair. There's a signed Rubik's cube, and a bottle of House of Commons whisky. Roll up, roll up! ------------------------------------------ You could have bought Jimmy Savile's glass -eye necklace for 75 quid at the charity auction of his possessions. (We missed out and had to settle for his cigar boxes). ------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which hard-hitting political hack was forced to out himself as a Simply Red fan when the chance to take a selfie with Mick Hucknall came up? (Mick gamely agreed to it, but ordered the first attempt to be deleted and retaken because he didn't like how it looked.) The recent Big Question we posed about the pop singer who had inspired rumours of a secret, decade-long lesbian relationship was old news to some of you - but what we want to know is, if so many of you are using the cute couple pet name, why hasn't "Chim" gone mainstream yet? ------------------------------------------ An Adroit Digital survey said 56% people skipped all online video ads. ------------------------------------------ >> Kimnapped << They got Mail Once a much-loved footballer-and- popstar power couple, Jamie and Louise Redknapp are now both best known for making Tim Lovejoy look slightly less shit at presenting. So it must have been especially galling for a well-known London advertising agency to be snubbed by them at Cannes Lions week. The agency had invited them to speak at their event, but the Redknapps instead went and whooped it up at the mailonline's boat party with Kim Kardashian. What on earth would cause the couple to come running at the beck and call of a tabloid...? ------------------------------------------ Mailonline now has a blanket ban on any negative Kardashian stories after Kim deigned to rub shoulders with people at their party. Their hacks are devastated. ------------------------------------------ >> Lose like Jagger << The curse of the Rolling Stone There is a saying in Brazilian football: "You are Mick Jagger" - which basically means that you are a curse, and you bring bad luck to the matches you go to. But does it have any grounding? During the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, Brazilian fans came to the conclusion their team lost in the quarterfinal to the Netherlands because Jagger wore a Brazilian jersey to the game. He reportedly also joined Bill Clinton to cheer on the United States, but Team USA lost to Ghana in the second round. Jagger was also blamed for England's loss against Germany that year. And he predicted good things for Italy and Portugal this year. Oops. ------------------------------------------ Hamid Karzai gets the Afghan Embassy in London to send out packs of Famous Grouse. ------------------------------------------ >> World Cup Update << Football shorts this week 1. David Beckham and Tom Cruise watched the Brazil game together in the pub in Notting Hill. Regulars were laughing at them. "They chose the really shit table - we always call it the losers table - the one between the waitress station and bogs." 2. Why Suarez plays like Suarez: http://bit.ly/1qAKN58 3. The mystery of Suarez and the phantom headbutt: http://es.pn/1yTQwI1 4. Join the campaign to stop Sepp Blatter's re-election. Read, donate a pound, re-tweet and say #SodOffSepp http://igg.me/at/sodoffsepp/ ****************************************** Tap to flap, with added bounce! Celebrate the World Cup with free app Flappy Ball - Mazy Dribbler: iPhone: http://bit.ly/ToBzwA Android: http://bit.ly/ToBB7P ****************************************** >> Brand developments << Russell is bad for your health Last week's news that Johann Hari is connected with a Russell Brand documentary came as no surprise to those in the filmmaking profession. Apparently Brand films crop up all the time, only to collapse just as quickly because the great political philosopher finds it hard to submit to any kind of diarising. Michael Winterbottom ought to be careful. It seems as though the last director who had to wrestle with Brand's celebrity schedule ended up having a heart attack. FYI: When living in LA Brand liked to stock three types of coconut water in his fridge. ------------------------------------------ Solihull probably had enough of problems trying to clear snow during particularly heavy winters so it's no wonder they've plumped for... Councillor Bob Sleigh. ------------------------------------------ >> Saying thanks << You auto-complete me It must be tough, as a successful showbiz mogul, to respond to all of your correspondence. Manager to the stars Professor 'Jonathan' Shalit has hit upon a rather nifty way of streamlining it. Instead of using his email's auto-reply function as a simple out-of-office message, Jonathan has instead written a short essay on how happy and humbled he has been since receiving his OBE for services to the entertainment industry and thanking you for your congratulations. Which you receive, even if you just emailed him to say hi. What a gent. ------------------------------------------ Never one to miss a chance at lengthening his name, Shalit now signs off his emails "Professor Jonathan Shalit OBE (Officer of the Order of the British Empire)" ------------------------------------------ >> Montecore FF-Fuffs Off << RIP Roy's white-furred nemesis Montecore the Tiger brought the reign of Siegfried and Roy over Las Vegas to an end in 2003. By biting out Roy's throat live on stage. Roy is still alive but, sadly, Montecore has died. Roy spent fifty years turning his affinity with animals (using a special ff-fuff, ff-fuff noise) into a $40m a year business. Until Montecore decided enough was enough. We never could find out why Montecore did what he did. After all, Roy saved his life as a cub, giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation when he was rejected by his mother. Mirage owner Steve Wynn blamed a group of "big-haired women" in the front row for distracting the tiger. Roy thought differently. He claimed Montecore, far from wanting to hurt him, saw that he was dizzy and about to pass out, and tried to save him by dragging him by the throat to the side of the stage, like a cub. Montecore went back to the Secret Garden to live quietly, until this summer, when Roy announced his "beloved 17 year old White Tiger Friend and Brother, "Mantecore" left us and is now with his siblings in White Tiger heaven". ------------------------------------------ First up for UK Eurovision this year? Lauren Harries, with a track called I'm All Dressed Up With No Place To Go. ------------------------------------------ >> Hmmms << Clams, Kim, Mr C Cold in July director Jim Mickle had a lot of interesting things to say to us about getting a movie made in Hollywood. http://bit.ly/1jTSUEI Mr C from the Shamen is having an auction on Saturday: http://on.fb.me/1lkg8Ui Disco clams: http://wrd.cm/1luG0l0 Andy Murray's girlfriend will paint your dog: http://kimsears.com/wp/ Lunch? http://bit.ly/Vt7DkQ The most expensive things on Amazon: http://bit.ly/TDxc15 Chinese philanthropy: http://nyti.ms/1mC3zIN The music industry was right about Oliver Heldens: http://bit.ly/1hLsucT British Summer Time in Hyde Park From next Thursday, 3rd July Arcade Fire... Future Islands... http://www.bst-hydepark.com Want to work with the Wu-Tang? http://bit.ly/TDxB3u What happens when you get 40 people from 25 countries to do your Photoshopping for you? http://bit.ly/1qhZ5d6 ****************************************** POPBITCH SUMMER QUIZ! Jerusalem Bar, London W1, Tues 15 July, From 7pm. Cheap drinks, great food, nice people. Big trophy to win! Email us now to reserve a table for your team: hello@popbitch.com ****************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, money etc: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ******************************************* Thanks to: DLG, monstris, mountstnobody, DGC, GB, RM, JD, NC, thebestnameshavegone, GC, JV, GS, L, ******************************************* Old Jokes Home: Q/ Why is Peter Pan always flying? A/ Because he neverlands. (We like this joke because it never grows old...) Still Bored: Why was Rebekah Brooks found not guilty? Probably the best piece we've seen so far: http://bit.ly/UPjZmV
↧
“Rolfie Wants A Cuddle”
****************************************** Need a cleaner? Hassle.com helps match busy working professionals (just like you) with local, trusted cleaners. Find the right cleaner for you and book and pay for them via our online platform - nice and simple. So if you're looking for a trusted, local cleaner in London, Leeds, Manchester or Birmingham for your home, check out Hassle.com today: http://ow.ly/yJpqu ****************************************** "I love feeling that I'm strong because I have good women at my side" - Cheryl Cole ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 03.07.14 ISSUE 697 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Chim just won't quit * Revisiting the Rev Goatboy * Charts: Ariana and Iggy are no 1 ----------------------------------------- >> Dodgi-ridoo << Doing the devil's work Rolf Harris hired Bell Pottinger to help protect his reputation during the trial. The PR firm - known for representing clients such as Asma al-Assad, Belarusian dictator Lukashenko, BAE and Trafigura - seem to be finding celebrity trials a rich seam of new business. They also signed up Rebekah Brooks and Oscar Pistorius. ----------------------------------------- Rolfing is a form of massage. "Rolfing offers a tactile, chemical-free practice that may be experienced by the client as beneficial to the whole person." ----------------------------------------- >> Jim can't fix this << Carr trouble in the Emirates Seeing as it's provided such a comfortable home to so many tax- avoiders, you'd have thought Jimmy Carr would have been welcomed to Dubai with open arms - but Dubai promoters are struggling to get a sponsor to cover his proposed shows out there. It's particularly strange, seeing as Jordan Belfort (the Wolf of Wall Street) gave a talk there a few weeks back, yet Carr is somehow too much. And it can't be a question of taste, because Jim Davidson was playing there for years. Perhaps the potential sponsors have confused Jimmy Carr with his rather more flamboyant Channel 4 co-star, Alan? ----------------------------------------- Jason Manford was refused entry to a swanky Dubai hotel restaurant last week for wearing shorts (and declined the trousers staff offered to lend him). ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who is asking what this week Which member of the Harry Potter cast was recently overheard referring to one of their fellow former castmates as "that cunt". Jenni Russell was very down on Ed Miliband in the Times today. Does this reflect badly on Ed that another ally is dumping on him? Or more a reflection of her much- gossiped about friendship with her Tory-leaning editor? ****************************************** Hire a first-class cleaner in under a minute! Hassle.com matches you with reliable and trusted local cleaners. Just type in your postcode, then choose a cleaner who suits your needs (pillow plumping, ironing or just an all round clean, it's your choice). Cost - 10GBP p/h, but Popbitch readers get 5GBP off first clean by entering code POPBITCH on Hassle.com: http://ow.ly/yJpqu ****************************************** >> Chimpossible? << Holiday plans of popstars Warming us up for the season of Cheryl Cole stories we'll be getting when X Factor starts up again, last week the red-tops were filled with stories about Cheryl's romantic holiday break with her new 'boyfriend'. Both Instagrammed pictures of the location. There's a bit of the story that didn't make the papers though. Kimberley Walsh also went on a little spa break last week. She Instagrammed a picture of her retreat too. It looked strangely like the exact same place that Cheryl had kitted out with roses and candles and cakes in order to have a little alone time with her other half. Unless...? ----------------------------------------- A family of wild beavers has been spotted in Devon. And where were they living? In the River Otter. ----------------------------------------- >> Mime after mime << Playing live at Glastonbury Everyone became so obsessed and outraged about whether or not Dolly Parton was miming at Glastonbury that they somehow failed to notice a number of other big names who phoned in large sections of their sets. - Metallica had a ProTools playback rig with them. - Lana Del Rey brought half her vocals with her on disk. - Goldfrapp had two keyboards that weren't plugged in. ----------------------------------------- Dolly Parton spotted this week getting a manicure in a Nottingham nail bar. (The skanky one on Thurland St by New Look.) ----------------------------------------- >> The Price is right << Respectable financial model It's not often that we have a reason to like Katie Price, but here's one. She's unlikely to turn up on the front page as the next Jimmy Carr, Chris Moyles or Gary Barlow. Instead of tax dodging and expert investment schemes, Katie prefers to keep her money in a plain and simple high street bank account, so she always knows where it is. ----------------------------------------- England's shot conversion rate was the worst of any side who scored two or more goals at this year's World Cup. ----------------------------------------- >> Tennis elbowed << Baby Fed to clean up The British press and public might be gobsmacked that Andy Murray lost yesterday but the world of sports marketing moved on from Murray to his conqueror, Grigor Dimitrov, some time ago. In the annual list of "Most Marketable Sports Star" Dimitrov is ranked number five. (Murray is no. 21). Already labelled "Baby Fed" for his playing style, Dimitrov signed to the new sports agency set up Roger "Daddy Fed" Federer himself, Team8. ----------------------------------------- Full top 10, if you're interested: Lewis Hamilton, Virat Kohli, Robert Griffin III, CR7, Dimitrov, Usain Bolt, Neymar, Missy Franklin, Blake Griffin, Sloane Stephens. ----------------------------------------- >> More paedo tales << The world according to Rev_GB This month marks seven years since PB legend Reverend_Goatboy's death. Despite the passage of time, the stories he told have dominated the news in recent weeks. Jimmy Savile and corpses? Goatboy story. Rolf Harris up to no good? Goatboy story. Wherever he is, we're sure he's enjoying the last laugh. For old times' sake, another tall tale he liked to tell went like this: "Seems that a former Tory minister, when he had to stay in his constituency, chose the local aristocrat's gaff. One night the aristo is paddling down the corridor when he hears cries from his 12-year-old son's room. Going in, he finds the Tory minister hanging out of his son. He promptly hits the panic button. It being the aristo, when the alarm sounds at the nick the ****ing lot show up - choppers and all (high alert at time re IRA). First plod on the scene piles in and the aristo says, "Arrest that bastard!" The copper recognises the Tory minister, and knocks it upstairs sharpish. A few more shunts and it's Maggie on the blower saying leave it, she'll sort it. And the Tory minister was whisked off to work in a reduced role. One wonders what hold they have over the aristo, eh?" ****************************************** Don't leave it to chance or an internet algorithm - Get direct introductions to new friends and contacts. Attend events and enjoy activities with like-minded professionals. A truly personal service: Book a Consultation. http://www.therisinglinked.com/rl/about/ ****************************************** >> Hmms << Latin, Film, Macca Weird Russian 404 page http://kvartirakrasivo.ru/404/index.php Smell my gak... it smells of bacon! http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=19137306&prodFindSrc=search&cp= Cuddles from an otter! http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/03/our-new-favourite-picture/ Macca v Theroux http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/03/paul-mccartney-louis-theroux Bleat to the beat - goats tackle Jurassic Park http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/03/bleat-to-the-beat-jurassic-park/ Lads mags go Latin http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/03/re-loaded/ Transformers 4 - the verdict http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/03/transformers-4-the-good-bad First he gets called for his commentary, and now is this Phil Neville robbing sleeping drunks? http://thelincolnite.co.uk/2014/07/police-search-man-lincoln-theft/ ****************************************** Holes by Tom Basden (Peep Show, Fresh Meat etc). Stranded, four survivors wait. Surely somebody will find them. "Absurd, hilarious and fast-paced", this razor- sharp comedy lands in London. Win pair of tickets with entry code "Popbitch" here. 16 July - 9 Aug, the Arcola Tent, Dalston. http://www.holestheplay.com ****************************************** Old Jokes Home: Q/ Who lives at number 664? A/ The neighbour of the beast. Still Bored: Supporting Belgium in the World Cup?. Belgiumize yourself here: http://belgiumizeme.be ****************************************** Thanks to: Deep_Stoat, AJW, O, LV, NB, GM, gravelly_hills_cop, onthehushhush, rev_gb, HN, @pglewis, plastiktom, SG, SW, GO, ******************************************
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East 17′s Champagne Reception
****************************************** ART SALE: Huge urban art sale continues. New prints listed every Thursday evening from 8pm. Inc Eine, Banksy, Crosshair, Obey, TRXTR, K-Guy, Pam Glew, Rebel 8. Listings here: ****************************************** "I find people who are in the public eye for something else who suddenly start voicing opinions about everything else quite irritating" - Steve Coogan ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 10.07.14 ISSUE 698 Free every week: Subscribe here: Unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Sex degrees of separation * Bacon's crass word protection * Charts: will.i.am & Cody are no 1 ------------------------------------------ >> Berry silly << Desperate Dave Much to the delight of the nation's eardrums, it seems Julie Burchill may have done herself out of a 300,000 quid gig on Celebrity Big Brother for discussing her deal publicly.She should have taken a leaf out of Dave Berry's book. Dave was bragging on his radio show this week about how he turned down the upcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing. Which was news to the producers, as they'd never invited him to take part. ----------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between the Brazil football team and Oscar Pistorius? A: Pistorius has a better defence and more shots on target. ----------------------------------------- >> Streaky Bacon << Richard's crass word protection Production assistants on Richard Bacon's Radio 5 Live show used to have to take control of Richard's Twitter feed during broadcasts, so Richard could stay engaged with social media, but wouldn't get so distracted that he'd lose focus on presenting. His Twitter password (since changed) was 'breasts'. ----------------------------------------- Chris Patten has taken on a new job. He's going to be advising Pope Francis on his Twitter strategy. ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? At the recent Baftas, which of the winners refused to eat with fellow actors, asked to be in separate hotel and - when asked to share a people carrier - said "Not goin' with them cunts"? How lucky was it for the papers that on the very weekend the headlines should have been about reporters going to jail a story helpfully linking politicians to paedos emerged? A brand new 30 year-old story, no less. ----------------------------------------- @stevebrookstein: "10 years ago I won X Factor. 9 years ago Max Clifford said "talk to the press and we'll bury you." - He's in prison and I'm writing a book." ----------------------------------------- >> Kill or Cure << How not to stage a gig Jimmy Carr is by no means the first person to run into trouble putting on a gig in Dubai. In the 90s there were attempts to stage a Cure concert in the Emirate. All was going well - tickets selling briskly, venue booked - until the Ministry of Culture asked to hear some of the band's songs. 'Killing an Arab' was the first song on the CD unthinkingly sent from London by the record label. The concert was cancelled. FYI: Russell Brand intended to kick off his Messiah Complex world tour in Abu Dhabi last year. When the authorities got wind of what he would be discussing, plug pulled. ****************************************** Quiz - The best thing (probably) in London next Tuesday - 15th July - is the Popbitch Summer Quiz. 7pm at Jerusalem Bar & Kitchen Hosted by Tom Webb http://www.tomwebb.info/about.html Great prizes, very silly quiz rounds. Email party@popbitch.com for a table. ****************************************** >> Frisky business << Sex Degrees Of Separation It's been a while since we've been able to connect up a good shag circle, but what with the gossip surrounding Helen Wood and rumours from the hacking trial we think we've finally got another. Wayne Rooney shagged Helen Wood ...who was 'linked with' John Whittingdale ...who was 'close to' Rebekah Brooks ...who shagged Andy Coulson ...who was editing News Of The World ...which royally shagged Wayne Rooney! FYI: There is still a superinjunction from Twenty Twelve in place which prevents us from telling you something else about Helen Wood. ------------------------------------------ Ian McKellen's filming a new Sherlock Holmes film in Winchelsea, in (or very close to) the house where Rod Hull fell off the roof and died. ----------------------------------------- >> Flip-flopped << Brazil can't catch a break Spare a thought for Brazil's mighty Havaianas. To celebrate the World Cup, they created a range of flip- flops to celebrate each of the competing countries. They have ended up with billions of unsold Spain, Italy and England pairs. So many they can't even give them away. ------------------------------------------ Havaianas were invented by a Scotsman. ----------------------------------------- >> Not OK! << Overlord Leveson Media Guardian have been investigating George Clooney's claim that the Daily Mail published a fabricated article inventing a pregnancy for his fiancee - and were right to point out that it was OK! and not the Mail doing it. They used this to hammer home the point "too little has been learned since the Leveson Inquiry". Which is probably true. However this is clearly the American version of OK! rather than anything produced in Britain, and therefore not a lot to do with the Leveson Inquiry. ----------------------------------------- RIP the East German pastor who started the peace vigils that eventually led to the Berlin Wall coming down: Christian Führer ----------------------------------------- >> Spa treatment << TV show best left unseen ITV are airing a documentary about the luxury spa Champneys tonight. It got postponed by a day because of last night's World Cup semi, but ITV may soon find it would have been better to have left it on ice indefinitely - or at least until someone's done some research on the featured owner, Stephen Purdew. Business interests with Rebekah and Charlie Brooks, News of the World executive Neil Wallis did PR, free stays for top plod and politicos (Met Police Chief Sir Paul Stephenson had to resign after one freebie). And, of course, Purdew was close friends with Jimmy Savile (connected with that Savile/Bruno/Sutcliffe photo). Just the kind of bloke that Savile-exposing ITV should be giving a primetime slot to, eh? ------------------------------------------ At Arcade Fire in Hyde Park: Keith Allen, Billie Piper, Natalie Imbruglia and - the only one who appeared to actually be a fan - Tamsin Grieg ----------------------------------------- >> Boomtown Prats << Geldof: still making friends The Boomtown Rats have announced they're going on tour again but fans who are hoping they'll be returning to their 'punk' roots will be disappointed. Last year's tour support was arranged as a buy-on, meaning that the highest bidder got to support for the tour. Presumably this year's will be the same. And the cost of a post-gig meet and greet with Saint Geldof himself? 175GBP. ------------------------------------------ To put that figure into context: East 17 are charging a tenner for an upcoming meet and greet with champagne reception. ----------------------------------------- >> Hmmms << Chegwin, Batman, Nadal Claire Sweeney's nan's house is for sale: http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-31294281.html Game of Rhones? http://www.thewinesofwesteros.com/ Celebrities with bad wikipedia photos: http://badcelebritywikipics.tumblr.com/ Someone is Photoshopping the face of First Capital Connect's CEO every time their train is late: http://timsfaces.tumblr.com/ Death Metal Batman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKmGC9qYSD4 Capybaras that look like Rafael Nadal: http://imgur.com/gallery/hot8K Want Keith Chegwin's custom Aston Martin? http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Aston-Martin-DB7-CUSTOM-BUILT-FOR-KEITH-CHEGWIN-/141335371754?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item20e83e9fea Gloriously batshit conspiracy doc about Savile being a trans- dimensional sorcerer: http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/10/was-jimmy-savile-a-wizard/ ******************************************* Thanks to: pauly, barry, monkeyhat, chelsearentboy, DR, SG, S, SW, monstris changeroftheways, C, intheisynoho, JW, A, SK, GC, JV, flange, And apologies for last week's subject line, "Rolfie Wants A Cuddle". As some of you pointed out, the quote was of course "Rolfie Deserves A Cuddle". ****************************************** Old Jokes Home: Sports fans are delighted Michael Schumacher woke up from his coma. Brazil football fans have stopped even hoping Fred wakes up from his. Still Bored: Summer tune! http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/10/heres-the-new-wake-me-up-its-straight-out-of-line/
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Latest Issue: Mambo MI5
****************************************** easyCar Club - peer-to-peer cars in the UK - rent out your car or pick up a convenient local rental from easyCar Club. Join our growing community today. It's like airbnb for cars... Cheaper than Zipcar. Closer than Hertz. Got wheels? carclub.easycar.com/sign-up Need wheels? carclub.easycar.com/driver ****************************************** "I haven't had a kebab since I lived up north last year" - Kerry Katona "I don't like walking around with people thinking I'm doing uncool shit, because there's nothing I'm doing that's uncool" - Kanye West ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_|31.07.14 ISSUE 701 To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Popbitch App launches today! * Google or News UK? * Charts: Magic! are number one ------------------------------------------ Get your weekly free copy of the Popbitch newsletter straight to your inbox: http://eepurl.com/XSZoP ------------------------------------------ >> Wrong direction << The beginning of the end Pretty much every boyband's career hits a point when they lose their teenage fan base. Fresh-faced best friends who harmonise together suddenly look too much like tired, moody cokeheads experimenting with long hair and a solo project. Is it almost that time for One Direction? The band are starting a US tour, set dates in New Jersey in the next few days. Yet ticket sites are advertising thousands of spare seats for as little as $20-30. And across Manhattan's financial district this week increasingly desperate, home-made flyers have been flyposted - on lampposts, bins, even a portaloo. Perhaps some hapless banker took a punt on touting tickets? FYI: The phone number's a cellphone... in Brooklyn. Classy. http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/31/pst-want-a-cheap-one-direction-ticket/ ----------------------------------------- Metro gossip columnist Neil Sean used to be a session singer for Stock, Aitken and Waterman. ----------------------------------------- >> Digger's New Digs << News UK is here to stay Hoping to draw a line under all of the unpleasantness that may or may not have taken place at his offices/occasional crime-scenes, Rupert Murdoch is currently pulling his people out of Wapping and relocating News UK's operations to London Bridge instead. The new pad looks exactly as you'd expect: conversation pods, IKEA-coloured 'breakout' spots, a very noticeable lack of phones, etc... Every bit the modern media office. But they might want to think about how they're billing the move, because the line their director of advertising strategy has been using is: "People can't believe it's News UK - they think it's Google!" Good thing nobody suspects Google of industrial scale intrusion and surveillance, isn't it? Fancy a quick tour? http://popbitch.com/home/2014/07/31/diggers-new-digs/ ----------------------------------------- Azerbaijan have been chosen as hosts of the first European Olympics. At a secret ballot where they were the only bidder. Eight countries still voted against. ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which actor is the proud owner of a jacket that not only once had Angelina Jolie have a lesbian roll-around on top of it in the bedroom/cloakroom of a Hollywood party, but has had Gazza humping away on top of it too? ------------------------------------------ Kieran Hayler has "withdrawn from Twitter, Facebook and the gym". To avoid the temptation of shagging people other than Katie Price, apparently. ------------------------------------------ >> Tennant's disagreement << It's not Who you know... Doctor Who fans will know that John Barrowman accepted an MBE from the Queen last month. What they might not know is that David Tennant turned down an OBE last year. Tennant is an outspoken anti-royalist. His wife? Erm, perhaps not so much. At least that's what some people gleaned from a rather heated conversation the pair had on the subject. ------------------------------------------ No surprise Newcastle are back in for Loic Remy. Seems the pair have a fair bit in common. A shared love OF Grandmaster Flash, maybe. ------------------------------------------ >> 700 not out << Another week, another email Even though Issue 700 got us a rather stern-sounding legal threat, we're still here, and happy to be irritating the rich and famous with stories they don't want you to know. And now we're going to do it even more. We are delighted to announce that Popbitch: The Magazine is now available on smartphones and tablets, both Apple and Android. Issue 4 is out today, only £1.49, featuring Kanye West on the cover and the inside scoop on: * When life turned bad for Loaded * Internet's most famous beggar, Jimmy Wales * UKIP candidate vetting * Aussies pissing in their own mouths * The Edinburgh TV Festival * And much, much more... There is also a FREE, full-length sample edition to try, with some of the stories we've featured in the first run of issues, inc. celebrity tax dodging, the dark side of Katy Perry and the history of Nazi zombies. Download for iPhone/iPad: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/popbitch-magazine/id718985772?mt=8 Download for Android (Google) https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.popbitch.newsstandapp&hl=en_GB ******************************************* The Sodd Off Sepp campaign didn't unseat Blatter but money raised is being donated to Human Rights Watch, for the campaign to protect migrant World Cup workers in Qatar. ******************************************* >> Smoked out << Fire still raging Not only is there a "Celeb Bar" at the Chiltern Firehouse, but there's also a secret smoking terrace, accessible through a hidden door behind the full length mirror in the ladies toilet. To get to it you must produce a special playing card. But don't leave the bar too fast. Those cool walnut boxes on the bar? Lift the lid and a packet of free cigarettes will slide out! (Marlboro Reds, only for the hardcore.) FYI: Bradley Cooper was there the night our smoking terrace spy lay among the Caribbean Palms. "Nice chap." FYI2: It cost more to drink there than the meal in the restaurant. "Eye-wateringly expensive." ----------------------------------------- Popbitch's favourite trainer at the Irish Guide Dogs for the Blind... Ms Nadine Ruff! ----------------------------------------- >> Crazy stupid dross << Not much on CHIM this week You can see how celebrity pregnancy rumours start. The cover of Closer this week: 'Cheryl Fernandez-Versini: "We'll raise our baby in France"'. Which makes you think there's a baby and Cheryl has made a decision about it, doesn't it? Then you turn inside. There's no baby. And no quote from Cheryl. There is quote from an unnamed "pal" though. "She doesn't see herself bringing up kids in London, she thinks it would be a nightmare. She says she'd be happy to move to the south of France to raise babies there." So there we are. (Besides, as any fule kno, Kimberley is the one having the baby.) ----------------------------------------- How's Jeremy Hunt's local TV initiative doing? Well, London Live is asking for their local coverage to be cut as no-one is watching. Glad he's not in charge of anything important... ----------------------------------------- >> Mambo MI5 << A little bit of subterfuge We've had some fun and games this week protecting our messageboard from an enormous cyber attack. Chinese IP addresses have been bombarding us with bot-generated fake posts. Which look a lot like the repeated posting of one particular MP3, but we're told is actually malware. The theory goes that there's a plan in place (not unlike the plot of Independence Day) to establish a huge international infrastructure of malware (rather than alien spaceships) ready to launch some kind of enormous cyberattack on the West in the next year or so. The MP3 that the Chinese are using to try to break us? Dance Like An African. By Lou Bega. ----------------------------------------- The NYT claims that European governments have paid kidnap ransom of $125 million to Al Qaeda since 2008. $66 million of that just last year. ----------------------------------------- >> Glori hole << More toilet tales D-S writes: "A friend was using the toilets in the bar of an upmarket hotel in Canada. He was surprised to find they were unisex but he settled down in a cubicle for a posh piss when he was interrupted by elephantine farting from the next cubicle, followed by proper pebble dashing of the toilet. When he heard the bolt go back he had to peek round his door to see who could have made such an incredible noise. Surely it couldn't be... Gloria Hunniford?" ----------------------------------------- Pedants' Corner: D says "Loved the Roman joke. Except the Roman would have held up his thumb and little finger, as that's where the V for five comes from." ----------------------------------------- >> Hmmms << Cheese, sex dolls, pirates Jon Fat Beast RIP http://www.gofundme.com/c6cbn8 40 Eiffel Towers of cheese: http://iamjamesward.com/2014/07/29/cheese/ See how shit your favourite TV programme has got over time with interactive IMDB graphs! http://graphtv.kevinformatics.com/ Lonely man and his shower head http://imgur.com/a/R8ykc Samuel Beckett's Motivational Cat Posters: http://beckittns.tumblr.com/ Brings a whole new meaning to "Gaza Strip": http://www.timesofisrael.com/israeli-women-do-gaza-strip-for-idf/ "Fifteen years of bollocks" - an interesting read on digital piracy: http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2014/07/fifteen-years-utter-bollocks-how-generation-s-freeloading-has-starved-creativity ******************************************* Thanks to: PR, car_snow_gin, deep_stoat, MJowen174, DS, PL, jez, garvan, JE, Stan Ogdens Nutgone Flake, JW, CB, FL, ******************************************* Old Jokes Home f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions." Still Bored? Seven years but the stories keep coming true. RIP Rev Goatboy: http://www.popbitch.com/revgb/
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No hardened criminals
****************************************** easyCar Club - peer-to-peer cars in the UK - rent out your car or pick up a convenient local rental from easyCar Club. Join our growing community today. It's like AirBnB for cars ... Cheaper than Zipcar. Closer than Hertz. Got wheels? carclub.easycar.com/sign-up-pb007 Need wheels? carclub.easycar.com/driver-signup-pb007 ****************************************** "I feel like I was born into this world knowing Whitney Houston" - Nicole Scherzinger "I've been out of my body twice. I've got information over there you can't get on Earth" - Gary Busey ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_|28.08.14 ISSUE 704 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Kate Bush's rotten wood * Wootton: bell end or bellend? * Charts: Robin Schulz scores 2nd no 1 ------------------------------------------ Get your weekly free copy of the Popbitch newsletter straight to your inbox: http://eepurl.com/XSZoP ------------------------------------------ >> Mistletoe and whine << Silly season gets serious So South Yorkshire police did everything it could to stop the Times reporting the Rotherham sex abuse scandal, yet this month the very same force had been "working with a media outlet" to publicise a raid on Cliff Richard's house. What's the lesson from this? That the media is only tolerated if it can help get a celebrity conviction? The mishandling of the Cliff operation can't even be put down to a rush for justice. It was a full 18 months ago that we remember police sources starting to brief journalists that they had Cliff Richard in their sights. Hacks had even started checking out Heathrow whenever Cliff entered the country, to see if anything was happening. So, it's unlikely this raid was done on a whim. What started out sounding like over-eager gossip is now looking more like an attempt to get the media to help build the case. With the BBC's coverage of the Cliff Richard raid, they may have got their wish. But all they've managed to succeed in doing so far is making us feel bad for a man who released Livin' Doll and lends his house to Tony Blair. And that's truly unforgivable. ----------------------------------------- Disaster befalls the Hamptons! NY Post is reporting that rosé wine stocks are so low they won't last out Labour Day. ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which Brit sports star had a Jonah Hill-style rant at paparazzi in LA over the summer? He's lucky none of the photographers were recording video when he chose to call them "faggots". ----------------------------------------- An anagram of new Liverpool signing Divock Origi is Giro Cok Divi. ----------------------------------------- >> The painter's lick << Kate gets Ronseal of disapproval She might be flavour of the month with the great and the good but, according to passers-by on the streets of Reading, Kate Bush really needs to sort out the wooden gates outside her home there. We're reliably informed that they're rotting and could do with a good lick of wood preserver. FYI: Jimmy White, on the other hand, keeps his gates in perfect order. Proper celeb. ----------------------------------------- Jayne Middlemiss is a chair hog. She dumped bags across three chairs in Starbucks yesterday, pretending to anyone who asked that they were taken. ----------------------------------------- >> Wielding the axe << Perils of internet advertising Check out US news provider ABC's website. You can watch videos of their TV news reports. So, as you settle down to see a disturbing item on James Foley's jihadi execution, you first get an advert. It's extraordinary that brands like Volkswagen and Pfizer think that seeing a report of a beheading would get you in the mood to check out their new offerings. ----------------------------------------- 50 Shades author EL James has splashed -0out some of her squillions on a new car. A Lamborghini? Maybach? Nope. A VW Golf. ----------------------------------------- >> Stepping up << Lisa is the new Danan Seems Lisa Scott-Lee has grown bored of being a yummy mummy in Dubai, so she has gone and done what all faded stars do. She has launched her own performing arts academy. One PR release refers to her as an 'international pop sensation', but given that the Dubai radio station she did a presenting stint with hasn't extended her contract (on account of few people knowing /caring who she is) it's unlikely the nouveau rich of Dubai will pay much heed. More: http://popbitch.com/home/2014/08/28/lisa-steps-talent-spotter/ FYI: Lisa's Hear'Say stand-in hubbie Jonny has hyphenated his surname to include hers. They are now Lisa Scott-Lee and Jonny Shentall-Lee. How very modern! ----------------------------------------- Paul Danan spotted at Standon Calling festival, "breakdancing" outside the rock 'n' roll smoothie stall. ----------------------------------------- >> Dad's barmy << Not fit for a Princess Last weekend Peter Andre played Newmarket Racecourse. Being Andre, he brought his children out on stage and got them to pick members of the crowd to come up on stage during 'Mysterious Girl'. One of the people chosen was a very drunk woman who spent the whole song getting close to Andre's little daughter Princess Tiaamii, who wisely tried everything to scarper, until Andre noticed and had to tell the woman (on the mic) to "get away from her". Photo: http://popbitch.com/home/2014/08/28/princess-tiaamii-gets-stage-fright/ ----------------------------------------- Programme of the year, 2015? "Mark & Derek's Excellent Flip". Ballroom dancers Derek Hough and Mark Ballas buy a house and renovate it for profit. ----------------------------------------- >> RIP Dickie << A Popbitch memorial When filming Shadowlands, the tense and moving scene with Anthony Hopkins at the bedside of the dying Debra Winger was filmed with a stripped down crew. There was a reverential hush as Hopkins delivered his lines but, as they finished filming the exasperated sound man cursed, complaining that there was some weird background noise that was ruining the take. The actors and crew turned to find Richard Attenborough trying and failing to stifle tears and weeping. ****************************************** Get delicious fresh coffee for home or work without spending a small fortune on each cup! Pact Coffee will send you a 250g bag for just ONE POUND with free P&P, a saving of 5.95GBP - use code "popbitch08" now. Future bags 6.95GBP, delivered when you need them: http://www.pactcoffee.com ***************************************** >> Cops and rubbers << The feels on the bus Fans of serial manure-perv David Truscott might have a new hero in Philip Milne, the Bedford pensioner who was a caught shampooing his genitals on the X5 bus last year. Well, after insisting that he had 'learned his lesson' and that he was 'no hardened criminal' (fnar fnar) he has just been in court this month having been caught giving himself two further scrubbings on the very same bus route. ----------------------------------------- A burglar in Falkirk was caught after he used his victim's computer mid-burglary to search for second-hand dealers in the Falkirk area to sell his swag to. ----------------------------------------- >> Morning bellend << It's Daniella v Dan When we published the Sunday Sport's style guide a few weeks back, many of you seemed surprised that anyone would struggle to correctly style the word 'bellend' but it's a more common problem than you'd think. Why, only just this morning Daniella Westbrook sent a (now deleted) tweet to Dan Wootton calling him a 'bell end'. But obviously, as we all know, he isn't. He's a 'bellend'. ****************************************** Quality urban art sale continues... more going up Thurs eve (28th) after 8pm (BST). 50+ pieces inc Obey, Banksy, Rourke Van Dal, Mark Forshman, Godmachine, Crosshair, Mike Giant + Amazing Movie Art... & More! http://www.ebay.co.uk/ ***************************************** >> Hmmms << Bellend, Otter, Christeene BBC weather has Sara Blizzard, New York TV has... https://twitter.com/AmyFreeze After holidaying in Sandy Balls, this looks a good place for an autumn retreat: http://www.lowbellendfarm.co.uk/ Richard Dawkins can add 'otters' to the list of animals he's watched sixty-nine: http://i.imgur.com/g6iZ5NB.gif Leeds Rhinos captain, as you've never seen him before. All together now, "I close my eyes, drew back the curtain..." http://powerisastateofmind.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/heres-kevin-sinfield-playing-joseph.html?zx=5b7938bf1b1507c2 Chisteene wowed Edinburgh. Nice interview: http://www.wow247.co.uk/blog/2014/08/08/christeene-i-came-up-from-the-dirt/ Robin Schulz's latest remix is not a patch on Waves but do you prefer it to Maroon 5? One of these will be number one on Sunday: http://popbitch.com/home/2014/08/28/people-out-there-are-still-buying-maroon-5-singles/ Twitter anagrams: http://anagramatron.tumblr.com ******************************************* Thanks to: fayekorgazm , deep_stoat, Mattinthehat, DW, RM, JB, KN & CS, SG fayekorgasm, rogermoore, SB, meow, BM ******************************************* Old Jokes Home Q/ What internet search engine do Israelis use? A/ Netanyahoo Still Bored? X-Factor starts this weekend. Adam Macqueen has worked out their PR formula so you can see what's going to happen this season, only in the Popbitch phone/tablet magazine. Should work on any smartphone, and available here on Android, Kindle, Apple: http://popbitch.com/articles/
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Big, fat, smoking men
****************************************** For fans of Nordic Noir: Next Thursday evening find out everything there is to know about the fabulous Saga Noren from the Bridge. Come see Sofia Helin, who plays her in the series, discuss the show with Mariella Frostrop, 11 Sept, in London. VIP tickets are available. All details here: http://www.howtoacademy.com/talks/scandi-noir-with-saga-noren-3188 ****************************************** "I've done things I didn't think it was possible for a human to do" - Paul Ross ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_|04.09.14 ISSUE 705 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Shiloh switches gender * Big, fat, smoking men * Charts: Duke Dumont is no 1 ------------------------------------------ Get your weekly free copy of the Popbitch newsletter straight to your inbox: http://eepurl.com/XSZoP ------------------------------------------ >> Orange is not the new Dee << Ferreting around for the truth The location of the next series of Benefits Street came out as being in Stockton-on-Tees last week. Press pack descended and decided Dot, the one woman who'd actually speak to them, was going to be the new White Dee and splashed her all over the papers, dubbing her Orange Dee due to her skin colour. Only her skin tone is actually due to her Indian/Spanish heritage rather than fake tan or sun beds. Reverse ferrets all round! ------------------------------------------ Last night at Kate Bush - Tom Odell, Bat For Lashes and - arriving too late to hear Hounds of Love - keen foxhunter Otis Ferry. ------------------------------------------ >> Better in the old days << Top Islamist bomb hoaxes It's been 13 years since the first hoax "stay out of central London" messages started to go round. The hoax texts this week to stay off the tube were pretty boring. Hoaxes used to be a lot more creative in the old days. Remember this one. "Friend of a friend was in the post office, a gentleman who looked a bit Arabic in front of them in the queue didn't have enough money to post his parcel so said friend of friend gave him the extra money. Thanks he says, much appreciated. In return, he says, I will give you this advice. Please stay out of central London tomorrow, and he rushed off." ----------------------------------------- Weird on X Factor: When dismissing Hip, from Kitten & The Hip, for being too old, no-one mentioned he was Ashley from Freak Power - famous for a top 5 single. ----------------------------------------- >> Meow Then, Meow Then << Issue Six of Popbitch Mag Issue Six of Popbitch Magazine is out today and contains a loads of great new stuff. If you haven't tried it yet, you really should. It's filled with loads of things we just can't fit in the newsletter and it's available for practically every smartphone (iPhones and Android), as well as iPads and Nexus and Kindle Fires and all sorts of tablets. IN THIS ISSUE: * Bareback-Hacking: You thought Paul Ross's gay meow meow orgies sound crazy? You should see what some internet identity thieves are getting up to... * Can You Kill Your Career? We've never seen so many celebrity criminals as we have recently, but can anyone really put their career in jeopardy? * Japanese Underpants Superhero Movies: Nice one, Japan! * Tom Hanks' Pissing Championships: An illustrated study PLUS: Scandal at Junior Eurovision, wombat murder and all manner of cartoons, jokes and gossipy stories. Just £1.49 for an issue and cheaper subscription deals. Popbitch Magazine for iPhone/iPad Popbitch Magazine for Android (Google) Popbitch Magazine for Kindle Fire (Amazon) Here ----------------------------------------- Oddest email of the week: "Rupert Murdoch has 'very large hands'". ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which chubster footballer didn't get the move that so many people were hoping for this transfer window? Perhaps it's something to do with the rumour going round that his fitness has suffered from a boom-bust weekly cycle. Cocaine for the weekend clubbing activity, followed by KFC for the comedown. ****************************************** Quite possibly the best way to mark 9/11 Go to the Isle of Man and watch The Jacksons (inc Tito, Jermaine, Jackie & Marlon) play their classic hits. They promise that Michael Jackson will be playing a large role "via video footage". Spooky! For more information and to buy tickets (obviously the right thing to do): http://www.iomevents.com. ****************************************** >> Sons and daughters << Celebrity wedding surprises Actors are funny creatures, aren't they? They claim to want to protect their privacy, go to all the trouble of having a secret wedding - then sell their wedding pictures to the celebrity weeklies. The most interesting piece of the Brangelina wedding coverage, however, was in the Times. They decided that Angelina's traditional white dress was a "retrograde step" and instead chose to admire the fashion sense of the couple's young ring-bearer, "Shiloh, the couple's eight year old son... in a suit top hat and shorts". That's Shiloh Pitt, more usually known as the couple's eight year-old daughter. ----------------------------------------- Jessica Simpson's sister, Ashlee, has just married Diana Ross's son. ----------------------------------------- >> Reddit and weep << So shit, Sherlock Sherlock fans on the internet are not a hard bunch to please. All most of them seem to want from life is to watch looped GIFs of Benedict Cumberbatch touching his temples. So for Andrew Scott – the actor who plays fan-favourite Moriarty – an "Ask Me Anything" interview on Reddit should have been a cakewalk. Sadly, he was so utterly boring he managed to piss off even the most blindly devoted follower. It's not hard to see why. Here are some examples of his rip-roaring Q&A: Q: What do you think is Ireland's most significant contribution to TV and film? A: Its writers. Q: So... the 70s, 80s or 90s? A: Now. Q: What are you working on after Pride, any plans to go on stage? A: I'm gonna take a bit of rest for a bit. Still, there's a tiny crumb of consolation for Andrew. This was only considered "Third Worst" AMA. Woody Harrelson and Morgan Freeman beat him for that prize. http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/2f91mp/i_am_andrew_scott_moriarty_in_bbcs_sherlock_and/ ----------------------------------------- "Most read" on BBC News website yesterday. Sex Abuser "too fat for prison" (from 2009) Sex Abuser "not too fat for prison" (from 2010) ----------------------------------------- >> The skinny on Cirque << A big fat night out in Dubai Cirque Le Soir enjoyed the rather dubious distinction of being called "Britain's most decadent nightclub" by the Daily Mail after it opened in London. Its worked very hard to keep up that brand image as it opened in Dubai and Shanghai too. One of the things the club does is set image guidelines for any media wishing to cover it. Some of the rules from the Dubai style guide include: * A no fatties/skinnies policy: "Do not capture images of overweight or underweight guests" * Lad mag-hetero sexism: "No pictures of groups of guys"/"Posing images need to be 80% female and 20% male" * No smoking: "No pictures of guests with cigarettes" * Champagne sensibilities: "No pictures with guests holding bottles of beer" So if you want to see big, fat, smoking men chugging back beers, you'll have to head down there to see it for yourself. ----------------------------------------- Galbani is the world's biggest mozzarella maker. Its American head office is in... Buffalo! ----------------------------------------- >> Back to School << A true Eurovision legend As the new school year begins, we return to our occasional series of pop-stars-turned-teachers. Martin Isherwood is currently Head of Music at the Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts. And who is Martin Isherwood? He's most famous for writing "Cry Baby" for Jemini, that infamously abysmal UK entry for Eurovision 2003. Unsurprisingly, his school nickname is 'Nil Points'. ----------------------------------------- 'Famous' LIPA music graduates? Christian from A1, The Wombats and Sandi Thom. ----------------------------------------- >> State of play << Making money from online news TW writes: "Further to your piece last week. Click on the story of Steven Sotloff's claimed beheading by Islamic State at the ABC news site and you get an ad for the Royal Marines, where they kidnap someone, run around with guns, and finish with the strapline 'It's a STATE of mind'. Somebody somewhere, with a salary, agreed that was an appropriate idea." ----------------------------------------- YouGov polled people who want the death penalty re-introduced on their cultural tastes. They like Only Fools and Horses, Top Gear and Amanda Holden. ----------------------------------------- >> Led balloon << Worst. Merch. Ever. In a move that will delight precisely zero rock fans, Led Zeppelin are collaborating with a middle-of-the-road suitmaker to bring out a range of scarves. You can now buy a Paul Smith scarf especially designed to commemorate each album. Because anyone who was blown away by Led Zeppelin III surely needs to see it "depicted with a combination of boucle and merino wool to exquisite effect". Looks like John Bonham had the right idea. ----------------------------------------- Interesting. @JackofKent. 2013: 514,608 RIPA requests for telecoms etc data - near media silence. 2014: telecom records of journalist obtained - media sensation! ----------------------------------------- >> Hmmms << Savile, ISIS, Bieber Make disco beats at your desk: http://superlooper.universlabs.co.uk/ How to find an ISIS training camp using Google Maps: https://bellingcat.com/resources/case-studies/2014/08/22/gun-safety-self-defense-and-road-marches-finding-an-isis-training-camp/ Had enough of Keeping Calm? https://twitter.com/KeepCalmFails The perfect Bieber: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Justin-Bieber-Giant-Character-Eraser/dp/B0078FWW6A Pig Cam! http://www.heliganwild.com/webcams ******************************************* Thanks to: monstris, mikeisbrill, T, NB, PD, SG, DK, drunken_boht, amttinthehat, SW, LMES, PL, Pauly, M ******************************************* Old Jokes Home Q: What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie? A: Love Actuary. Still Bored? Like your jokes weirder than that? Check out the Popbitch magazine for some recommendations: http://popbitch.com/articles/
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Ducks, Decks, Dicks
****************************************** Popbitch Magazine for smartphones/tablets ISSUE 6: "Meow Then, Meow Then" OUT NOW We take an in-depth look at: * Crystal Meth Sex and the Perfect Crime * Can Scandal Still Kill A Celeb Career? * The Super Powers Of Japanese Pants * Tom Hanks' Expert Pissing Technique Download for iOS and Android Here's a preview - Can you kill your Career? http://app.popbitch.com/2014/09/11/can-you-kill-your-career/ ****************************************** "I am that Trivial Pursuit cheese wedge" - Duke Dumont ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_|04.09.14 ISSUE 705 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Strictly Confidential! * Parcslife: Hols with Hugh * Charts: Calvin Harris new no 1 ------------------------------------------ Get your weekly free copy of the Popbitch newsletter straight to your inbox: http://eepurl.com/XSZoP ------------------------------------------ >> Jack Spat << Nice work if you can get it Loads of celebs pull off the ethical, green talk but have no intention of actually doing the ethical, green walk. You can't accuse Jack Johnson of that. He's so committed that he will pull his live appearances if a venue's recycling policy is not up to scratch. Pull the appearance and still expect to get paid, mind you. ----------------------------------------- Where on earth is the most Spam eaten? Guam. ----------------------------------------- >> Spicy conversation << Let's talk about sex, Mel B PRs working on the X Factor this year were dreading finding out who would have to look after Mel B during the show. Not because she's not nice to them. She is. But because she talks absolutely non-stop, and in great detail, about her sex life. ----------------------------------------- Anyone know if it's true Simon Cowell commandeered a whole studio to be his dressing room this year? ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which reality TV singing star was spotted running into the Coach & Horses, Soho, to use the toilet, then seen emerging minutes later rubbing his nose? Must have been his time for a coke break? ----------------------------------------- The papers today all received a big, serious academic report on an independent Scotland's future currency options. The professor who did it? Ronald McDonald. ----------------------------------------- >> Parcslife << Holidays with Hugh Where has Hollywood A-lister Hugh Jackman been holidaying this summer? St Tropez? Maui? Mustique? Nope. The new Centre Parcs in Woburn Forest, Bedfordshire. We are told he was "a gent" and he queued politely for the water slide "like any other human being". ----------------------------------------- Also at celebtastic Centre Parcs at that same time - Mark McGhee, now assistant manager of the Scottish national team. ----------------------------------------- >> Strictly confidential << Notes from the partners' meeting Gossip reaches us from backstage at Strictly. Here are some first impressions of the new recruits: * Gregg Wallace - Massive twat. Talked loudly, constantly telling shit jokes. Then decided to take his trousers off and walk around wardrobe and make up in his pants. * Scott Mills - Nervous as hell. Brought his mum on set with him and took her everywhere, arm in arm. She couldn't help him though. He was terrible on camera. * Judy Murray - Stiff as a brush and very aloof. Don't think she'll last. * Mark Wright from TOWIE - Very humble, could be surprise package. * Alison from Big Brother – The nicest of the lot and she can certainly move. ----------------------------------------- Rick Stein is "at war" with a neighbour over how Rick lets his French onions grow "like weeds". ----------------------------------------- >> Full Disclosure << Baby face; big head Backstage at Bestival, Sam Smith overheard telling one of his Disclosure buddies "You know, I've realised I'm actually an artist... I don't know why people still treat me like it was last year when I am where I am this year." FYI: The overhearer did say Sam was very nice though. ----------------------------------------- A YouGov poll for Sunday Times put Yes ahead in Scotland. It may be entirely unrelated but YouGov have the nickname "What do you want it to say, Guv". ----------------------------------------- >> Piece of cake << Abz talks, we listen So, 5ive are now 3hree. In his inimitable style, Abz has given an interview explaining why he left the band, why the comeback didn't work without J and (inadvertently) how to bake: "If we were making a cake, J would be the eggs. He’s an essential part of the ingredients and so with him missing, the cake never rose. It just kind of stayed flat and not properly cooked. There were a few raisins in it and I don’t like raisins so I had to take them out. You get what I’m trying to say with that analogy? There was no cherry icing on the top. "It was just a shitty cake and that’s all it’s been since." Interview: http://auspop.blogspot.com.au/2014/09/interview-abz-5ive.html ----------------------------------------- Debbie McGee, in the Observer, on how she met Paul Daniels. "I remember sticking my tongue out at him and he said "Ooh I wouldn't put that in my mouth", and I said "You would!" ----------------------------------------- >> Hmmms << Ducks, decks, dicks Lawrence Wright on 9/11 fallout: California protects the internet commenters' right to leave bad restaurant reviews. Duck Tales with real ducks: What actually happens when celebrities DJ: A snip at just $140... Grandpa and Grandmaster Flash: Someone add these people to the Dignitas mailing list: ******************************************* Thanks to: D, TM, abominablehoman, soap_handerton, monstris, ER, M, bad_horsey, NC, ******************************************* Old Jokes Home A transvestite from Greater Manchester walked into a bar. He had a Wigan address. Still Bored? http://app.popbitch.com/2014/09/11/tom-hanks-golden-boy
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↧
Joan Collins’ Dinnersty
****************************************** Quality urban art rarities: Obey, Lucy Mclachlan, Rene Gagnon, Sas Christian, Banksy, Cauty, Kozik, Mau Mau... many more added Thursday from 8pm (every week) http://www.ebay.co.uk ****************************************** "I think I'll avoid the gym for a while... I might get mobbed" - Lauren Goodger ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_|04.09.14 ISSUE 705 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Shopping baskets of the rich and famous * Sneaky policemen and crackhead crooners * Charts: Sigma v Prof Green for no 1 ------------------------------------------ Get your weekly free copy of the Popbitch newsletter straight to your inbox: http://eepurl.com/XSZoP ------------------------------------------ >> Secrets and liars << Chomsky commits Hari-kiri Noam Chomsky is finally getting round to thinking about his official biography. And who is lined up to write it... step forward, Mr Johann Hari! FYI: We've got a more on Mr Hari and his chum Russell Brand in the brand- new-out-today Popbitch magazine. Not to mention more than you'd want to see of Darius... ----------------------------------------- One of Ed Sheeran's earliest childhood memories is going to an "intimate Damien Rice gig". ----------------------------------------- >> Tricky Vicky << You don't bring me flowers Victoria Derbyshire left 5Live recently. Much to their surprise, she tearfully hugged all the staff who'd felt terrorised by her over the years. But then she reverted to form when they noticed she'd walked out of the studio, post-hugs, leaving behind the flowers they'd had a whip-round to buy for her. ----------------------------------------- Two Bonds, Timothy Dalton and Daniel Craig, live on the same street in Chiswick. ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which Irish singer had an unusual love trifecta with her manager and his wife... an 'arrangement' which lasted more than eight years? ----------------------------------------- Tony Adams, spotted on the train from Bath to London "Very charming and helping old ladies and women with pushchairs. I shit you not." ----------------------------------------- >> Frothing at the mouth << How the media covers politics For the last US Presidential election, political media and pollsters wanked themselves - and everyone - up into a froth over how close it was going to be. The result, as anyone who looked at the statisticians or the betting exchanges knew, was a foregone conclusion. A whopping victory for Obama. This month, the media and pollsters have been, er, wanking themselves up into a froth about how close the Scottish Independence referendum is. Despite the polls predicting "Yes", the betting exchanges haven't wavered much from suggesting a stonking (8%/10%) majority for "No". This morning odds on a majority No vote stand at 1-5. If, once again, this is right and the media are wrong, will anyone have the decency to look embarrassed? ****************************************** Issue Seven of Popbitch Magazine OUT NOW "See Yuz The Noo, Lads" IndyRef Special! In this issue, we tackle: - How popcorn is killing cinema - Why we love to hate-read columnists - The veracity of Will Smith's bragging – The Jackson 5 becoming the Jackson 4.5 – Russell's branding issues PLUS photo galleries, cartoons, jokes and much more scurrilous gossip... Just £1.49 Download for iPhone/iPad Download for Android phones/tablets ****************************************** >> Checkmate << Hollywood v Essex Lauren Goodger in her column in New magazine brought us the lowdown on the CBB house. Very bottom of the housemates was Gary Busey. "He's very hard work" explains the TOWIE cast member, patronisingly, "But we all try to help him and include him in things". That's Gary Busey - Hollywood star... and Celebrity Big Brother's runaway winner. ----------------------------------------- Nicole Scherzinger is said to be considering a role in Cats (coming soon to the London Palladium...) ----------------------------------------- >> Popbits << Covering all bases 1. The worst John Newman impression we've seen. (Clue: It's John Newman) http://popbitch.com/home/2014/09/18/tonight-matthew-ill-be-singing-john-newman/ 2. The best Sean Connery impression we've seen. (Clue: It's Jerry Sadowitz) http://popbitch.com/home/2014/09/18/sean-connerys-message-to-the-nation/ 3. The only R Kelly cover you'll ever need. (A crackhead sings Bump'n' Grind. Brilliantly) http://popbitch.com/home/2014/09/18/the-best-cover-of-bump-grind-weve-ever-heard/ ----------------------------------------- Not popular with PRs at a recent charity event - Miranda Richardson, who wanted "first class everything". ----------------------------------------- >> Dinnersty << Sainsbury's with Joanie What's in Joan Collins basket? This week, in Sainsbury’s, Weston-super-mare: * Fresh berries * Own-brand brown sauce * Celeb mags And we thought she'd be a Waitrose shopper. ----------------------------------------- Rihanna likes her hotel bog roll "full and folded". ----------------------------------------- >> Rank and file << Keeping out of the limelight A top TV exec told us this week that police officers are very reluctant to appear on TV documentaries. The reason? They don't want their ex-wives to know their rank, and therefore up their alimony payments! ----------------------------------------- Popbitch's favourite commercial and advertising manager... The Motley Fool's Randy Coon. ----------------------------------------- >> Hmmms << Jack, Pete, Whigfield 20 years ago this week, Saturday Night was no 1. Here's Whigfield now: http://www.officialcharts.com/features/number-1-today-in-1994-we-interview-chart-record-breaker-whigfield-3118/ Pete Waterman's back, with a new band. Busker types. Blame Ed Sheeran: https://soundcloud.com/officialjamjar Can anyone solve this sandwich mystery? http://popbitch.com/home/2014/09/18/local-news-story-of-the-week-3/ Just Jack. Back. http://popbitch.com/home/2014/09/17/just-jacks-back-fact/ The Rules Of Enragement: The psychology behind our hate-reading habit: http://app.popbitch.com/2014/09/18/the-rules-of-enragement-2/ Amiga Power! Pop is starting to sound a lot like 90s video games http://app.popbitch.com/2014/09/18/amiga-power-2/ Russell Brand's search for a sidekick: http://app.popbitch.com/2014/09/18/a-search-for-trews/ Erotic poetry made from iPhone 6 reviews: http://www.theverge.com/2014/9/17/6334173/iphone-6-plus-review-erotic-poetry Bring on the Taken clones! http://popbitch.com/home/2014/09/18/taken-3-the-equalizer/ ******************************************* Thanks to: BD, JT, ME, B, OS, JE, 7zark7, deep_stoat, JM, bad_horsey, mountstnobody, meow, theriotact, SW. Help: Anyone know who took that picture of Darius in a kilt? ******************************************* Old Jokes Home Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!" Still Bored? Grindr on Scottish Independence: http://machotrouts.tumblr.com/post/97748597900/morihaventgotshitonme
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Curly Holl-mez
****************************************** Make your own old skool 90s rave with the Ravebox iPhone app! "Best app ever" says Judge Jules. Get your whistle and white gloves out and download it here: ****************************************** "If you don't believe that big companies should become verbs, then you should Google it" - will.i.am ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_|25.09.14 ISSUE 708 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com * Llama parties! * Corporate arseholes! * Charts: Jessie/Nicki/Ariana no 1 ------------------------------------------ Get your weekly free copy of the Popbitch newsletter straight to your inbox: http://eepurl.com/XSZoP ------------------------------------------ >> bell.e.nd << Smartwatch the throne will.i.am's twattery continues. He performed at a Salesforce Conference in Indianapolis this week, and all of the reports talk about how he played tracks off his new smartwatch and how there was a flood of tweets calling him a genius. None of the reports mentioned what our spy in the audience told us – that the whole thing broke down several times, as did his Mac, to which will.i.am "giggled like a simpering fool". Reports also missed much of his interview on stage by Silicon Valley powerhouse Marc Benioff, where he burbled so much that several senior execs were open-mouthed and asking if they should be calling an ambulance. FYI: Illuminati watchers, take note. Will was carrying a backpack shaped like a pyramid. ----------------------------------------- An anagram of Tinchy Strider is ... Dry Shit Cretin. ----------------------------------------- >> Curly tale << Chinese Cumberbitches Sherlock is massive in China, and they're all crazy about Benedict Cumberbatch. The only problem is, no-one can pronounce his name. So they've come up with a nickname that even the TV announcers and listings mags use. Curly Holmes. Only, they can't pronounce Holmes either, so they're calling him 'Curly Holl-Mez' instead. ----------------------------------------- Chesney Hawkes is in a skateboarding gang with Justin Lee Collins and Craig Charles. ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Guests at one of Bryan Adams' recent parties got a surprise surprise when they walked into the kitchen to find which personality getting fingered by a toyboy? ----------------------------------------- David Cameron is said to be eyeing up a villa in the Niccone Valley, on the Umbria/Tuscany border. Sounds purrfect. ----------------------------------------- >> Corporate Arseholes << The latest in a shitty series Last Friday, an email went round the company from M&C Saatchi's Operations Director. "Subject: Behaviour "To the person who crapped all over the floor in the client toilets last night and just left it for someone else to clean up - you should be very very ashamed of yourself. "We know who you are as we have you on CCTV. "I hope your hangover is truly hideous." ----------------------------------------- Brian de Palma's film Mission to Mars: $100m India's actual mission to Mars: $75m ----------------------------------------- >> Llama party << Giving the kids what they need Poor old Ed Miliband's conference speech got a slating this week. We suggest that rather than just copying Lib Dem tax policies he instead takes inspiration from New Zealand's Civilian Party, which got 187 votes in their elections last weekend. They were running on a platform of reducing child poverty by giving each poor child a llama. Their full policies list here: http://thecivilianparty.org.nz/full-policy-list/ ----------------------------------------- BBC's James Landale at the Labour Party Conference, in suit, tie and Crocs! ----------------------------------------- >> Appy talk << Popbitch Magazine OUT NOW The latest issue, available for your smartphone or tablet, includes: * The Jacksons take the Isle of Man * How US Supreme Court killed cinema * Thong munching dogs of Rotherham * When Russell Brand met Adam Curtis * Danny Dyer's Pwoper Gaffs And much more, for only £1.49: http://popbitch.com/articles/ ----------------------------------------- Trainspotting pt.1: Johnny Marr, in Euston's first class lounge, quietly eating a pasty. ----------------------------------------- >> Tax That << Loving Jason Orange Then there were three. Today's announcement that Jason Orange has followed Robbie Williams out of Take That means just the core tax dodgers are left. And this is perhaps the bit everyone else is leaving out of their reports today: 2009 - Jason Orange in Q, "I've made us bank with the Co-op because it's ethical. I worry. I want us to stand for good things as well as be a brilliant band." 2012 - Gary Barlow first linked with aggressive tax avoidance 2014 - Take That threesome Barlow, Owen and Donald linked with tax-avoidance scheme 2014 - Jason Orange quits Take That. ****************************************** Daren't google yourself? Get rid of bad search results Fast, fixed fee cleanup http://www.online-reputation.repair ****************************************** >> K-whole again << Another Atomic Kitten wedding Kerry Katona became Kerry Katona Kay last week. Happily, the wedding wasn't derailed (as feared) by husband George's recent arrest and detainment under the Mental Health Act. Happiest of all glad were OK! who otherwise would have had to fill the 18 pages they dedicated to it. Here are KKK's best quotes: * On her outfit "I've had an angel sewn into my dress next to my heart. That'll be my nan looking down on me." * On Scott from 5ive and Anthony from Blue "George has a genuine love for them. Not in a gay way." * On her (and Brian McFatten's) daughter Lilly's career aspirations: "She told me she wanted to be a journalist. I said, 'I don't think so, sweetheart!'" ----------------------------------------- Trainspotting pt.2: Tim Westwood, first class, Virgin train, "loudly saying 'tim at timwestwood dot com' to whoever was on the other end of the phone". ----------------------------------------- >> Polls apart << Salmond's bad intelligence Popbitch last week: "The betting exchanges suggest an 8-10% win for the No campaign in Scotland. If, once again, this is right and the media are wrong, will anyone have the decency to look embarrassed?" Er... no. They didn't. But if the hacks should be embarrassed, what about the politicians? A quick look at Betfair (or a closer read of their copy of Popbitch) should have told them what to expect. Instead we have David Cameron telling Michael Bloomberg he wanted to sue the pollsters and, according to a great piece in Daily Record, Alex Salmond had it even worse. His pollsters told him he would win 54-46. Hence the dismay and resignation afterwards. The head of ICM said "This referendum has the potential to be a polling Waterloo... the best that we can, as an industry, hope for is that we dodge the bullet." Well, they did. And it seems poor old Alex caught it right in the heart. More: http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/politics/revealed-secret-opinion-poll-convinced-4313922 ----------------------------------------- Big Brother Tourette's hero, Pete Bennett, is now a Greenpeace chugger. He's got a green Mohican to match his charity tabard. ----------------------------------------- >> Hmmms << Cocks, yobs, hacks Best named cock theft in Reading: http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/local-news/owner-left-distraught-theft-prizewinning-7815522 It's not just Bastille, everyone loves Rhythm Is A Dancer: http://popbitch.com/home/2014/09/24/the-rhythm-returns/ Letter of the week: http://www.pinknews.co.uk Jimmy Bullard's risible management company are now managing parody Twitter accounts: http://www.parodyicons.com/ "Once, credibility was the linchpin of journalism. Today... it's an afterthought" http://www.playboy.com/articles/digital-journalism-lacks-standards ******************************************* Thanks to: Miss_Guy, PB, powermaster, KT, thebestnameshavegone, JT, PD, JM, mj_goat, ulysses, PR, __________, pilchardboy, soapy_handerton, party_b ******************************************* Old, Old Jokes Home What did Helen Keller say when she walked by the fish market? "Hello Ladies!" Still Bored? Three-breasted women in the news?
Marketing by Busted?
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Hotel, Motel, Crematorium
****************************************** COME TO OUR END OF YEAR QUIZ NIGHT! Wed 26 Nov, Roundhouse bar, Camden, London. With Tom Webb, and accordion wizard Will. Best of 2014! Mask making! Speed Eating! 5GBP each, with reserved table for whole night. Info/tickets here ****************************************** "We're the gassiest band ever. Danny's farts smell like a bin that's been stored by a radiator. Harry's are outright offensive and mine always come with a squeak. I think I've got a tiny butt" - Dougie McBusted ----------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_|13.11.14 ISSUE 714 Free by email every week Subscribe here http://eepurl.com/XSZoP Email stories to hello@popbitch.com * The many women of Glen Matlock * Off the crack; in the jungle * Children in Need horror is No 1 ------------------------------------------ >> The new Black << Dapper's destiny foretold One of the weirdest things to emerge from ITV2's Dapper Laughs disaster is that the series' co-creator and executive producer Dan Baldwin accidentally, but accurately, predicted this whole fiasco months ago. Back in July, when the series was first announced, Baldwin was quoted as saying: "I actually believe [Dapper Laughs] is the new Cilla Black." Turns out he was bang on the money – for the only person at ITV thought to be more toxic and more reviled than Dapper? Forever and always... Cilla Black. FYI: People are still wanting to know why on earth ITV would commission Dapper Laughs in the first place. We have an answer, if you're interested? http://app.popbitch.com/2014/01/01/dappenstance/ ----------------------------------------- Poor Mike Skinner from The Streets. Now Dapper's series has been axed he won't be getting any more money for the theme tune he wrote for it. ----------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which boyband star said it best when he said "I never spend like to spend more than about three grand on a watch. There are kids in the world starving" to his session musicians? ----------------------------------------- Popbitch's favourite adult shop owner? Australia's Love Rouge supremo... Katrina Pfister. ----------------------------------------- >> Oversexed pistol << Polygamy in the UK Glen Matlock from the Sex Pistols (who will be gracing our TV sets Christmas Day on Never Mind The Buzzcocks) is currently managing an interesting love life. As well as a London girlfriend, he is also said to be juggling two in New York. One a waitress, the other an attractive blonde pop-punk singer from the eighties, who currently has an album out, possibly funded by Glen. ****************************************** North Face Explorers Event at Pure Evil Gallery, EC2 - 27th November. Places for 150 people to see amazing original artwork by Pure Evil, SatOne and V3RBO. DJs, bar, video - all proceeds to charity. More info ****************************************** >> I'm a liability... << Cream of the celeb crop I'm a Celebrity... is starting again and we have high hopes. The two favourites this year are Jimmy Bullard and Craig Charles. Bullard – a man who got so drunk at the FA Cup Final this year he didn't bother turning up to play at his charity football match the next day, and whose job seems to be managing parody Twitter accounts – is somehow more highly thought of by the bookies than Craig Charles, an actor who got turned over by the Mirror for smoking 60 rocks of crack in the back of car on a drive from London to Manchester. A drive where, a source at the Mirror said, he was "masturbating furiously" when he wasn't on the pipe. Poor old Tinchy Stryder will need to pull his finger out to keep up. ----------------------------------------- Finally answering all those "Is he gay?" stories? James Franco is said to be considering becoming a Scientologist. Like Cruise and Travolta. ----------------------------------------- >> Driving Miss Lazy << A wheelie annoying wife Could we be looking at a new record? Over the course of filming for Mission Impossible 5, the production has gone through six official limo drivers and are now working with their seventh. Why such a high turnover? If you're thinking it's the fault of Tom Cruise, you'd be wrong. He is apparently a superb bloke on set. No, the culprit appears to be the director's wife, whose West End shopping trips are causing multiple headaches. Alongside all the parking fines she's been racking up, she's also been annoying drivers to the point of resignation by getting them to wait outside shops for her, then getting them to drive her a few feet down the road to the next shop. ----------------------------------------- The same wife was involved in Katie Holmes' old fashion line – the one Katie couldn't shut down fast enough when she made her 'escape'. ----------------------------------------- >> Bump 'n' ride << Romelu Lukaku is a softie This weekend sees Belgium host rivals Wales in a European Championship qualifier. Everton's Romelu Lukaku is probably grateful to be playing just a couple of train rides from home. According to a team-mate, he didn't enjoy the World Cup flight home from Brazil very much. When the plane hit turbulence Lukaku asked the flight attendant if she'd hold his hand. ----------------------------------------- Training For Yewtree: Issue 10 of Popbitch Magazine, we take look at how media advisers help suspects of scandals manage their reputation http://www.popbitch.com/articles/index.html ----------------------------------------- >> Ghostwriting << Hotel, motel, crematorium Tributes have poured in for Sugarhill Gang's Big Bank Hank, who died earlier this week. Many of them have mentioned that he only started rapping because he couldn't get a job with his oceanography degree (true), and many have joked in the obituaries that he was "six foot one and tons of fun" (less true). Hank actually stole a lot of his most memorable lines from Grandmaster Caz of the Cold Crush Brothers. Grandmaster Caz also went by the name Casanova Fly ("I'm the C-A-S-A, the N-O-V-A, and the rest is F-L-Y"). It was Caz who is 6'1, not Hank. (Hank may well have been tons of fun though.) ----------------------------------------- Found on a box of MoD rations: "Around 10% of all casualties during a recent Op Herrick tour (Afghanistan) were as a result of burn pit (i.e. burning trash) injuries." ----------------------------------------- >> Save the celebrity << Bottoming out the bottom line Christmas is a horror time to be a celebrity. If its not Geldof calling to ask you to help him patronise the whole of Africa, its Save The Children hassling you to wear a sweater. Celebrity managers have been grumbling a fair bit. As the Save The Children campaign is a collaboration with Asda clothes brand George, it hasn't exactly made life easy for stars like Fearne Cotton and Myleene Klass, who already have clothes deals with Very and Littlewoods, but they can hardly say no and look like moody grinches who turn down a kiddies charity. The problem is only going to get worse for certain celebs, though. We've heard some accountants are telling their famous clients to do fewer campaigns as the repeated exposure is diminishing their value for paying ones. We'll see what happens to their conscience when their wallets start to take a hit. ****************************************** Urinetown - an unbelievable title for an unbelievably brilliant show. A satirical musical comedy that is light on schmaltz and heavy on clever humour. Best available tickets for £20 on Mondays with promo code MONDAY http://www.urinetown.co.uk ****************************************** >> Hmmms << Richard Madeley's 50 greatest quotes http://happyfingersproductions.com/guest-posts/defending-the-indefensible/ The fattest states in America Link http://calorielab.com/news/2014/05/05/fattest-states-2014/ Ever wondered how potatoes fit into the lives of Millenials? Link http://www.uspotatoes.com/pressRoom/pr.php?id=277 Bye bye, #guardiancoffee? Link The Koch Brothers' Empire Link Forget the ice bucket challenge, the ice cap challenge looks HARDCORE Link What is Sadowitz up to now? Link RIP Guardian Coffee? Link https://www.appearhere.co.uk/spaces/boxpark-3-unit-food-drink-pop-up US elections postmortem Link Follow @popbitch for all Junior Eurovision updates. Eurovision Deepthroat isn't missing one moment. Link Tom Latchem, ex TV Editor, NOTW and Daily Mirror 3am Girl Halina Watts do the Weekend Hangover show, FubarRadio.com. An anarchic mix of news, showbiz, sport, interesting interviews and general daftness. Get the podcast here: https://itun.es/i6Bj6MQ ******************************************* THANKS: SG, Stris, LH, spank_daley soapy_handerton, MF, flange, intheissynoho, dollymixture, Roozi, SS, LH, SA, SL, CJ ******************************************* Old Jokes Home Q: How did the Welsh cannibal select his victim? A: Very Caerphilly. Still Bored: With news of a Rockford Files remake, here's a way to remember the best a James Garner jigsaw... *** An early version had the word ex-3AM girl Halina Watts. Which is just mental as she is very much at the Daily Mirror. (We obviously can't read our emails)
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Kuntz, Fuchs and Dick
************************************* Slightly Fat Features in... VARIETYSOUP! Crash landing into Leicester Square Theatre (15 Dec– 4 Jan) is a show unashamedly stuffed with wondrous antics, performed by a stupefying septuplet of entertainers. VARIETY IS BACK & IT'S SLIGHTLY FAT. Best available tickets 16GBP (usually 20GBP) promo code VARIETY16 Link ************************************* "When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple." - Jaden Smith ------------------------------------ 20.11.14 ISSUE 715 POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| Free email every week Subscribe/unsubscribe Email stories hello@popbitch.com * Vlogging with Jihadi John * Mel prefers Ford to Van * Charts: Band Aid for no 1 ------------------------------------ >> Sam's lonely hour << Shopping at Waitrose Sam Smith's transformation from great pop hopeful to total pecker is nearing completion. He was spotted in Waitrose this week, making a nuisance of himself trying to get noticed. He was shopping with his stylist and one of their 'games' was to pretend that they hadn't seen each other in years, and have a loud reunion in every aisle of the supermarket. Another was getting Sam to lean over other shoppers to pretend to reach items, deliberately trying to get in their way as much as possible. No-one took the bait though, which prompted Sam to flat out ask his stylist, "Why is no-one recognising me?" Maybe the question he should have been asking himself is "Why is everyone ignoring me?" ------------------------------------ In her later years, the actress Talullah Bankhead had a maid who she addressed as "Cunty". ------------------------------------ >> Brown-eyed Girl << Mel prefers Ford to Van Being in the public eye again seems to have gone to Mel B's head. At a fundraiser she attended recently, the special surprise guest was Van Morrison. Everyone was very impressed and watched his set in awe. Apart from Mel, who talked loudly throughout, pissing off everyone in earshot. She then wandered over to Harrison Ford's table and hung round waiting to meet him, but Harrison was clever enough never to turn and catch her eye. In the end she just walked off. Good to have you back, Mel. ------------------------------------ Our new favourite tree surgeons? Gloucestershire's Copse & Loggers. ------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which recently heartbroken celebrity is publicly blaming her husband's infidelity for their separation, but has been rather reluctant to mention she herself had a go on Jack Wilshere in their marital bed? ------------------------------------ Glenn McGrath prefers you to spell the Ooh Aah (in "Ooh Aah, Glenn McGrath") this way, not Ooh Ahh. ------------------------------------ >> 2014 Quiz Night << All we want for Xmas is You! When? Next Weds (26) Nov Where? Roundhouse Camden, 7pm What? GAMES/PRIZES/BOOZE/FUN With? Tom Webb. Live accordion from Will Barrett Teams: As many as you can bring Cost: A Fiver. The table is yours to eat and drink all night Buy your tickets here, securely through Paypal. Or email: hello@popbitch.com ************************************* The North Face Explorers Event at Pure Evil Gallery, London EC2 - 27 Nov, from 6pm. FREE Entrance, limited places for 150 people to see amazing original artwork by Pure Evil, SatOne and V3RBO up for sale. DJs,bar, video - for charity. More info: Link ************************************* >> Chasing Cruise << City date for Tom Tom Cruise fans who have been hoping to catch a glimpse of the little fella while he's filming in the UK: he'll be filming a car chase past 41 Lothbury (in the city) overnight on Sat 29 Nov. In the plot, the hostage is pushed out of the front car at high speed, then is grabbed by a second vehicle. A gun fight ensues. The director has requested that all unessential lighting is turned off that night in order to reduce unnecessary glare on the parked vehicles outside. And possibly to help disguise the fact the scene is supposed to be set in Vienna. ------------------------------------ Carl Barat prepared for visiting Pete Doherty in Thailand by spending a few days at Centre Parcs. ------------------------------------ >> Quote unquote << Celebs rally round Hari Johann Hari's new book is coming out soon and, by the looks of what's coming out of Blmoosbury, he's been busy deciding which quotes he wants to use on the dustcover. Hopefully the ones he's picked are quotes that the people in question have actually given Hari this time, and not ones that he has found elsewhere and repurposed. "An absolutely stunning book. It will blow people away" – Elton John "Wonderful... I couldn’t put it down" – Noam Chomsky "This book is as intoxicatingly thrilling as crack, without destroying your teeth." – Russell Brand If we were in the mood to get letters from a particular legal firm, we might ponder if Hari had ghostwritten Russell Brand's quote too – but we'd like a quiet Christmas. So we won't. ------------------------------------ RIP Johnny "Mr Trinny Woodall" Elichaoff. He was once fired from Robert Fripp's band League of Gentlemen for becoming "unreliable". ------------------------------------ >> Royal flush << How the Queen shits chablis writes: "Many years ago, a friend's father, who worked at a hospital awaiting a visit from the Queen, described how they were given very clear instructions by Palace staff on the logistics involved in the allocation of a toilet for sole Royal use. Two men were required to stand guard outside. In order for there to be no potential for Royal embarrassment, a banana was dropped into the regal pan repeatedly, while the men positioned themselves at points where the splashing became inaudible." "This may or may not be true. I sincerely hope it is." ------------------------------------ The Duchess of Cornwall has mild IBS. Prior to a Royal visit, police search for and seal a selected disabled toilet, just in case. ------------------------------------ >> Hanging & Vlogging << Islamic State of mind Now even David Cameron is referring to the ISIS fighter by his tabloid nickname, Jihadi John has finally gone mainstream. Which is a very big step for his personal brand. Jihadi John's international impact through social media is now so great that if he was a more traditional YouTube vlogger, the market price for his sort of audience figures means he could command appearance/endorsement fees anywhere between £50k-250k. ************************************ We looked in greater depth at ISIS in Issue 11 of Popbitch Magazine (which, for the next 24 hours, is completely FREE.) Also - the vile reality of penguin love (John Lewis, look away), review Jaden Smith's new EP, figure out why Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars are ignoring the UK and lots, lots more: FREE download for iPhone/iPad FREE download for Android FREE download for Kindle Fire ************************************ >> Wrath of Dhan << Queens of pop face off Interesting to see showbiz supremo at The Sun, Dan Wootton, turn Adele's lack of interest in Band Aid into a sensationalised front page cover: "Adele Snubs Geldof". Last year they took a similar non-story (Adele's dad moaning that she had cut him off from seeing his grandson after he sold an interview about her – by, er, giving another tabloid interview) and used it as an excuse to slate her. We wonder what it's all about? The strangest things do happen when there's such a big diva involved... as poor Adele is finding out. ------------------------------------ Stefan Kuntz is now chairman of 1. FC Kaiserslautern. His new signings include Danny Fuchs and Florian Dick. ------------------------------------ >> The Fly II << More tales of Casanova Casanova Fly, who we mentioned last week, now runs tours of the birthplaces of hip-hop in New York. They are apparently great fun, and include the (newer) death spots for Big Pun and Big L. The downside? "He flogged his book relentlessly" and will remind you approximately every seven minutes about how he was robbed of the Sugarhill Gang dollars." It seems Hanks' passing didn't cause Caz much sadness. ************************************ Urban Art isn't just for Xmas... Listing from today: Faile, Carmen Rose Garcia, Kidrobot, Denial, Dan McCarthy, Kozik, Invader, Matt Small, Nick Walker, Obey, Tokidoki, Jacob Bannon and many more. Link ************************************ >> Hmmms << Band Aid and more Does Bono deserve his reputation as THE charity caterwauler? Link Homewares on the theme of self-loathing: Link Fuse ODG on why he turned down Band Aid: Link Another good piece on Band Aid: Link And a last: Link Still using Uber? Link TONIGHT - its WUT?!CLUB at The Shelter, Dalston, with residents Larry Tee, AttackAttackAttack and amazing guest DJs. PLUS they're shooting TZUJI's new collection and YOU could be in the shoot for a major magazine. FREE ENTRY Guest List here Link *********************************** THANKS: NW, Mrs_Homan, Ulysses, ED deep_stoat, SG, JM, GS, EN, LT humphrey_plugg, fayekorgazm, majicma, flavio, DM *********************************** Old Jokes Home Q: What is Dean Martin's favourite eel? A: That's a moray. Still Bored: Would you like to answer some Family Fortunes style questions for us about 2014? (Answers next week) Link ************************************* Reality TV Season: It's that time again, make a Xmas bonus from the TV. Think you know who'll win IACGMOH, X Factor or Strictly? We've found a great offer with Titanbet. Bet 20 quid. Get 30GBP free bet. Link *************************************
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************************************* Father Ted's Pauline McLynn and legendary voice of Blur’s Parklife Phil Daniels fuel the chaos under candlelight in The Knight of the Burning Pestle at the Sam Wanamaker Playhouse this Xmas, Shakespeare's Globe. Free mulled wine, mince pie tix with code PCDPOP (20-30 Dec): www.shakespearesglobe.com ************************************* "I'm the governor at banter" - Jimmy Bullard ------------------------------------ POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 04.12.14 ISSUE 717 Free email every week Subscribe http://eepurl.com/XSZoP Email stories hello@popbitch.com * Jokes with Beth Orton * A Wintour's Tail * Charts: Union J for no 1 ------------------------------------ >> Ghostbusted << Writing wrongs Christmas came early for Random House this week, with news that the novel by YouTube beauty vlogger, Zoella, debuted with enormous first week sales of 78,000 copies. Few people would be surprised to learn that she had some help writing it (what celebrity doesn't?). It's also no surprise that she doesn't want to admit it was ghostwritten (again, what celebrity would?) But it does seem a little sad if the rumour going around is true that the chosen ghostwriter, Siobhan Curham got a flat fee, and won't see an additional penny from those sales. Let's hope her agent got her a decent fee, as some of the other ghost candidates approached were being offered around eight grand. ------------------------------------ Scholatic Books signed up teen pop star Talia Storm this week. Anyone approached to ghostwrite her book: demand a royalties clause! ------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << Who wants to know what? Which media couple saddened friends this year when they announced they were to separate? They'd always seemed so in tune with each other's needs. For his birthday she bought him 24 hours with a prostitute and for her's, he bought her a sixsome with four other women. ------------------------------------ Shame it's not more like South Korea here: pop star Jessica Jung was thrown out of Girls Generation for starting her own clothes line. ------------------------------------ >> Keeping shut up... << ...with the Kardashians Kim Kardashian's been accusing her best friend, Jonathan Cheban, of leaking stories to the media about sister Kourtney and her relationship woes with Scott Disick. Well, he might be, but we haven't seen his name attached to any of the stories circulating for cash. Which is something that can't be said of, erm... Scott Disick. Oh, and Kim: you might want to avoid telling anything important to anyone you know who describes themselves as a "sports executive and family friend". Because he's at it too. ------------------------------------ The white throated snapping turtle breathes through its arse. ------------------------------------ >> A Wintour's tail << Conde Nast: no sinking ship Conde Nast have delayed moving into their new Manhattan office at One World Trade Center. It's full of rodents and Anna Wintour is not amused. But before she gets too up in arms about it, perhaps we should explain how the little buggers are thought to have got in. Wintour made such specific requests for the layout of her offices - demanding that ugly walls be removed left, right and centre - that the rats have inadvertently been given the run of the place. ************************************* Get a mahoosive 20% off the rudest and funniest festive cards & gifts. Just use the voucher code pb20 at checkout. Christmas – it's so close you can almost smell it! http://www.deanmorriscards.co.uk/ ************************************* >> Swiss cheese << Who is this C4 star SRD writes: "I was in a Thai massage parlour (just regular massages) in Swiss Cottage, and the masseuse had to stop part way through and get her friend to take over. A man then came out of his room to complain to management that his massage girl was "a nice girl, but she has no strength". After complaining for an embarrassing 5 mins, even after they told him that they would switch to the girl he had last time he came out with the big guns - "I'm a very famous person. I'm on Channel 4, look me up, I'm internationally known". "I couldn't see who it was, would any reader work it out?" ------------------------------------ Nice to see the Russians learning our PR ways - Kalashnikov's new slogan is "Protecting Peace". ------------------------------------ >> Aladdinsane << TOWIE pantomime down under TOWIE wannabe Bobby Norris was flown out to Australia to support Gemma Collins. When offering to do interviews he asked journalists calling the hotel to ask for "Aladdin" and not "Bobby" – so as not to alert his millions and millions of Aussie fans to his whereabouts. ------------------------------------ Newington Green Veg Shop, pt 2 of 1: Bobby Gillespie and Hardeep Singh Kohli are also regulars, not just Allegra Stratton. ------------------------------------ >> Folk jokes << The smell gets everywhere RF writes: "Your Old Jokes Home last week reminded me of the best gig heckle I ever heard. "Beth Orton, Sheffield City Hall circa the Edwina diaries revelation - she attempted to tell the same joke on stage. She got as far as 'What's grey and smells of curry?' Then, as she paused to deliver the punchline, a lone voice in the crowd shouted: "ROTHERHAM!" ------------------------------------ Ed Sheeran is the most listened to artist on Spotify. So much for it saving the music industry... ------------------------------------ >> TV Bet Update << IACGMOH/XF/Strictly * We told you that early faves never, ever win I'm A Celeb... Jimmy Bullard's eviction was no surprise. Carl Fogerty is dropping down the betting like a stone though, is he worth a few quid? http://bit.ly/1yiSZbH * X Factor - too close to call? Fleur was working with a number of dance producers last year, like DJ Fresh and Cicada. She's described as "absolutely lovely" and "down to earth". Go Fleur! Listen: http://bit.ly/1CIkN0T Titanbet have a good offer. Bet 10, get 20 as a free bet! (We've just gone on Frankie for Strictly). Check out all TV specials here: http://bit.ly/1yiSZbH ------------------------------------ Liam Payne, star of One Direction and *that* Vine, spotted in the Nags Head Inn, Woking. He's thought to be moving into the area. ------------------------------------ >> Hmmms << Rock, Mist, baubles Chris Rock is in fierce form at the minute: http://vult.re/1yRKlnb World War III? Interesting opinion piece: http://bit.ly/1wxdMN0 RIP Scarlet Mist, the non-tout ticket exchange: http://on.fb.me/1zUq67M Pierre Omidyar v Craigslist: http://bit.ly/1wxdEgy Xmas Gift Alert: Homewares on the theme of self-loathing: http://www.crookeddarlings.com Marc Almond/Soft Cell - Limited edition career-spanning photo book with Marc's personal commentary. 1000 copies only with exclusive 7" vinyl. Last few Punk+, Saint Etienne and Genesis Breyer P-Orridge remaining: http://www.firstthirdbooks.com Butt plug Christmas baubles: http://bit.ly/15Ql4A8 ************************************* THANKS: JR, IC, NR, mountstnobody, EN, MS, ptbear, EN, mosntris, __________ ************************************* Old Jokes Home Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an irish bar the barman says, "oh no, not yew tree again." Still Bored: Currie Pie! http://bit.ly/1w3wiNm
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The Popbitch Guide To Eurovision 2015
Contains everything you need to enjoy this year’s contest
* Full profiles of every song in the competition – including soundalikes, theory and trivia
* Charts, graphs, statistics and all sorts of analysis to have you sounding like a Eurovision expert in minutes
* Gossip, rumours and news from the Wiener Stadthalle
* Plus photos from behind the scenes of the usual ‘Behind The Scenes’ access
* And much, much more…
All FREE!
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Popbits: Tune of the Week
Something About You is streaming on Spotify and Soundcloud. It’s possibly not the most immediate hit, but it’s definitely a grower. We’ve found ourselves playing it as the temperature climbs, the sun swings round and everyone in PBHQ is bathed in sweat at their desks…
The more you play it, the better it sounds. A great understated, summer vibe.
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